[Ramblings] In my 30s

 

30 in Porto

To say that I’ve come so far is an understatement. I’ve come far and then decided to go even further. BUT, as a disclaimer, I am talking about my personal definition of ‘far’. I don’t think my parents, and in extension my relatives, agree with what I am doing with my life. I don’t think the institution that gave me my degree in Geology expected that I won’t be practicing the profession in under 5 years after my graduation. I have been technically unemployed for three years and somehow, I am a bit closer to what people call the state of ‘contentment’. 

Torre dos Clérigos

Praia do Carneiro

OLD TRAM!

Livraria Lello - Tons of people waiting outside

 

Facade of Igreja do Carmo

Lovely street at Porto

Ribeira

Capela das Almas

Just right around the corner where we went for a Michelin dinner

Of course, getting here took a lot of time, energy and guts. It was a difficult journey from there to here. I have to shed off some weight of personal and societal expectations. To begin with, I don’t even know what my actual personal expectations are, or whether I was just brought up to believe that they were mine to begin with. I guess, with my educational background, I have been set for an academic track, getting a Master’s then eventually a PhD. Maybe I would flourish as a professor or even a scientist that works nonstop in the lab and I would count myself happy. No matter how I deny it, I love to learn and I love to figure out stuff. I like to read and I like to observe every interesting thing around me. But I guess, that is where it ends with myself. I am clueless as to what to do next and where to go after.

There were some people who told me that I don’t have any ambitions and some that would say the opposite. There were some that told me time and time again how promising I was and I would surely do great things and some that tried to bring me down whenever they could. There were people who were patient to educate me, leading me to things that I can do and forging whatever skillset I have to better me and some that are relentless in misguiding me and making me feel that I am unworthy of anything. A lot of contradictions in every turn, people that either have your best interest or not and experiences that can either be harmful or beneficial–such is our lives. Moving to Europe and just, well, chilling, has given me the opportunity to be able to self-realize.

More than anything, I think it is quite important to know who you are and what you want. From there, a lot of our choices will make sense and our struggles will lessen. After all, it is quite important to prioritize. We only have a short amount of time in God’s green earth but it is long enough for us to do the important things.

I am in my early 30s and although I still have a lot of frustrations, I think I have become more docile and at peace of who I am at what I actually want. The noise of people’s judgements and opinions still ran in the background but I have gained to tune it out and just focus on the inner voice that wants to be heard since time immemorial. Their expectations, definitions of success and failure and what happiness really means are all still displayed in the galleries of my mind but I have my own canvas to work on and to tend to. I have so many colors to play with on my own and my own set of music to listen to so why would I let others dictate what I should choose and do?

Right now, I am trying to focus on making worthwhile connections, keeping all the happy memories in my head, letting go of all the pain and internalized suffering and living in the now. I still have a lot to figure out and no matter how one feels that it is scary, the unknown is so exciting for me. Too many possibilities to play with. 

[Geology] Mock Board Exam - Field Mapping (Day 3 Applied Geology)

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[Geology] Mock Board Exam - Mineral Deposits

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[Geology] Mock Board Exam - Petrology and Mineralogy Part 2

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[Geology] Mock Board Exam - Petrology and Mineralogy Part 1

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[Geology] Mock Board Exam - Geophysics Part 2

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[Geology] Mock Board Exam - Geophysics Part 1

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[Ramblings] Writer's Block

It’s weird to not be able to write when that’s all seemingly what you want to do. 

Faces on the road

I am somewhat distracted and actually just trying to live my life. I am living in the moment and no matter how many thoughts crossed my mind lately, no matter how my brain is telling me to jot things down, be inspired and be proactive with the whole writing thing, I just couldn’t. The desire to write seems distant. I had tons of unfinished work and pieces of informative texts cluttered in my multiple opened Google Word document files that remained drafted for God knows how long. The only thing I’ve finished recently is a gift for a significant other. That’s it. Is this happiness? Is this me trying to be comfortable in the slow and lulling cradle of peace? 

I can feel that I am somewhat ‘settling’ down. I am being kinder towards myself and giving myself some slack with everything that I am doing. I agree that life is short but it’s still long enough to do a lot of things as long as you prioritize only what’s best for you. I usually push myself to the extreme, missing sleep and precious calm and steady moments to do the grind and for what? To achieve what? To get to what? I understand that talking like this in a seemingly privileged position is bad rep but at the end of the day, we are the sole determiner of what is enough for us and where and when we could be content with our lives. And I guess, I am getting there–to that point of contentment. I am not chasing for a stellar career, not chasing fame and not even any type of recognition. I am not even chasing others' approval and I take great pride in only caring about the comments and advice from people who actually care and love me. The rest? I don’t really care that much.

Of course, sometimes my brain is still trying to make sense of this change in me, this peace that it’s not really that familiar with. For years, it has gotten used to chaos, the fast-paced life and processing worries, doubts and anxieties on the constant. It was drowning and always in hyperdrive that it’s having a hard time adjusting to the ‘new normal’. The withdrawal is both hard and eye-opening. I am like a recovering addict that craves my chaos and wants things to be what they were before. After backsliding, in an instant, I realize how much this chaos affects me and everyone around me. And so we go back to healing and just enjoying where I am right now.

I can’t believe how difficult it is to learn how to just relax and be at peace. And to think that this is something important for our race in order for us to function properly! I hope that in time, our concern wouldn’t focus so much on the ‘grind and/or culture’ but rather on the much needed emphasis on resting and relaxing that leads people to self-actualization.

[Geology] Mock Board Exam - Geology of the Philippines Part 2

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[Geology] Mock Board Exam - Geology of the Philippines Part 1

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[Geology] Mock Board Exam - General Geology Part 3

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[Geology] Mock Board Exam - General Geology Part 2

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[Geology] Mock Board Exam - General Geology

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[Ramblings & Literary Art] When There's Only Emptiness

This is my fourth attempt to write today. My thoughts are rather scattered and there was a great need to just be still and quiet.

I have never spoken in earnest to another human being. I felt like I was trying to hide myself away, raising up the walls and barricading the opened windows or whatever else is left open. I rode buses aimlessly, stopped and stared at trees and pushed myself to at least do a short hike to keep fit. Other than that, nothing. For some reason, I feel empty. Neither sad nor happy, just empty.

Trees I've stared at

I imagined Ulriken doing the peace sign while I took this photo

One of my fav views here in Bergen

I want but izz szo expenszzziv

Just something that I bought because izs cute

I may just be tired. Hopefully, that’s just what it is. I am trying to listen to my body but it only echoes this gnawing feeling of ‘nothing’ and emptiness. I am trying to get to the bottom of it but again, for some reason, I am left with just nothing. Maybe it was because of a series of events this past weekend. Maybe I got super drained and there’s just nothing left to feel for now. I am still positive that I will bounce back but as to how and when, I still do not know.

Anyway, here is an unfinished poem for now. I was supposed to present this on a poetry night thing here in Bergen but I wasn’t able to finish it and I have no energy to actually go there tomorrow. This is somewhat inspired because I was listening to Desiderata by Ehrman when this first materialized into something. Hopefully, I would be able to finish this. Damn, I just realize that this blog is full of 'hope' with all the 'hopefullys' in here.

 So, here it is:

In dread, I refuse to just make a move;

In adversity, I know I have something to prove;

In fear, I duly refuse to surrender;

In challenges, I know I have time to ponder

Life is never really what it seems to be,

It is neither white nor black, for gray it could also be;

To take life just as it is would be the ultimate goal,

A balm for the restless mind and a tired soul

To be in an eternal clash between what is and what could be,

Is one of the gripping dilemma of humanity;

To not be able to accept what fate has brought to you,

Is one of the reason for one’s soul to be completely subdued

[Ramblings] The Absurdity of it All

It has been quite awhile since the last time that I was able to write an entry. Aside from the fact that I’ve been very busy with spring and all the related events associated with that season here in Bergen, I can honestly say that happiness has shun away the brooding writer in me.

Random candles for y'all

There were some thoughts, of course. Thoughts that I decided to just mull over and not put on paper. It wasn’t because they were not good enough as subjects to begin with, rather, they were just so personal to me. It’s like a whisper from the subconscious that I couldn’t even make sense of fully. And if I couldn’t understand a thing, how am I able to write about it? I’ve never been a good fictional writer and I even barely lie in real life. Something that I am equally proud of and annoyed about. I wish I were more imaginative in a colorful way. Don’t get me wrong, I take pride in how sensibly I write and express my thoughts. Everything was researched, structured and I took great pains in connecting everything so it will tie up nicely in the end. But, yeah, they seem to be quite cerebral and philosophical, quite pretentious even if I actually believe in all of them.

So, the quest to be imaginative begins. I believe I am living a rather exciting life and I just do things whenever I feel like it (NB!: As long as it is still bound within my current beliefs in relation to morality and the sovereign authority of the country I am living in). With that in mind, it still doesn’t mean that I am ‘exciting’ as a person. I think I am rather dull. While on this journey, I confirmed something about me: I am uptight as shit.

I take the same path whenever I go hiking. I take photos of the same view while running or cycling. I sit on the same bench, on a specific spot, whenever I am on a walk. I pick up the same type of black pen whenever I am writing because otherwise, it will be an eyesore in my notebook. Speaking of notebooks, I have a ‘scratch’ notebook and a ‘final’ notebook because there is a great urge within me to scratch my eyes out if there’s a single erasure in the ‘final’ notebook. All the fictional books I own go to the side of my bed while the classics and philosophy ones should be on my study table. My cosmetics are separated based on their types, then their frequency of use and if they are used or new. Clothes should be folded nicely, otherwise I won’t be able to sleep. Judas, I sure sound like a psychopath. Fortunately, that wasn’t really the case. I mean, I am just taking control of the things that I can actually change or do something about. It was this innate desire to put everything in order as to how I see it fit. The anxiety to have everything ‘perfect’ by our definition was taking over me. It made me bored and boring. I thought I was chill but I am in a seemingly eternal state of perturbation. 

I have accepted that life is absurd but I haven’t embraced the fact seemingly. I try to keep things in order because of the delusion that it can make me feel like I am in control of something. I balled my hand, grasping on anything that I can and could, as a consoling mechanism. I hold on to things that I can control and haphazardly handle things that I couldn’t. Imbalance ensued and creativity was drained. Apparently, what makes life beautiful is to not take a lot of things so seriously and some things a little bit more carefully. Attachments are attachments regardless of how seemingly fleeting they are. It’s counterproductive to see things and people based on how ‘temporary’ they feel. To always prepare for sad partings and to just be heavily focused on the mundane don’t really give us the full experience.

Now, I find myself disengaging with heavy thoughts. Beautiful flowers are just beautiful flowers. Proses give tightness in my heart but I blink and life is beautiful again. Hugs and kisses are momentary delights but I carefully store the memory of them. Scalding words hurt me but tomorrow, they were just a remnant of the past. The people in my life might just be passing by but I deal with them with utmost care and curiosity. The mundane is just the mundane and experiences, no matter how fleeting they may seem, I cherish how it made me feel.

Currently, I am trying out new music and food. For several days, I have been picking up books that are not really within my acceptable genres. I have been uncomfortably putting myself also in situations that I would usually refuse to be in. I have been saying, ‘no’, to a  lot of things that I would usually just agree on to save face and saying, ‘yes’, to things that I would probably scoff about. And right now, I am just writing about something that I haven’t ‘prepared’ for. Just a random piece on a random day in an absurd world.

[Ramblings] To You

I recently dreamed about you. It actually confused me because I haven’t thought about you since late 2023. In this dream, for some reason, I was trying to chase you. I don’t know what that means because in my waking life, that is something that I don’t want to do.

So there I was, running after you in a seemingly familiar staircase, you wearing that familiar long-sleeved polo (which I kinda chose with you), and your back towards me, I grabbed your arm. I don’t remember what my expression was but I know that I got upset about something caused by another person. You turned and I saw that familiar facial expression and then I woke up. 

Obviously, the reason why I am writing about this is because it bothered me. I’m not one to believe in the occult so yeah, what the f was that? Or is this my subconscious yanking my chains? Eh, I really don’t know so I am taking myself to a journey of self-discovery through writing my thoughts, lol.

I’ve been thinking that this might be because of the seemingly serene period I had with you. (But we all know by now that that wasn’t the case. Verdant decay, as some would say.) For the longest time, I was allowed to have some kind of stability, felt a bit more confident about myself and something that I was building and just believed in something that I thought I had. The thing is, I learned a lot about myself in that period. There was just so much isolation and I found it comforting that I was able to control the social interaction that I was having with you. I could just shut down whenever I want and avoid you as much as I could when things get hard. I could focus on some other things and put all the emotional turmoil on the backburner and face it again once I had the energy for it. I learned to keep myself to myself and only share what I think was necessary. I was attached but alone. 

Then there was the issue about trust. We’ve talked about this over and over again to the point of overkill. It exhausted you, I know, but I felt like I wasn’t heard each time we talked about it. I guess I was trying so hard to project towards you how you made me feel the first time that you hurt me with a lie. How it truly devastated me and made me hypervigilant. That after trusting you without any conditions, without even thinking about it for a second, I was left in disbelief that you were able to do that to me. Over and over again. And with each new lie, I felt like I was being driven to this state of perpetual skepticism. I learned that I have to keep on asking before getting from you the actual truth. Even with actual evidence and receipts as they would say, I felt like I had to hear it from you. But of course, you almost always disappointed me. You would deny things as long as you could until you see me emotionless and cold. Then that’s the point that you would cry and apologize, emotionally-beating yourself up, saying out loud how big of a fool you were for lying to me. And I would just sit there in front of the screen, numb but still trying to comfort you.

Another thing that I learned from you is how far I can stretch myself in order to tolerate things and/or situations. I always thought that it was a great characteristic. To be able to suffer through things with acceptance was a noble thing in my opinion. I thought that every good thing should be cherished no matter how many times it has broken you. I was under the impression that I always bounce back anyways and that I can’t let any temporary emotions get through me. I guess I was just innately positive and so optimistic that things will definitely turn out alright at the end of the day. I almost always believe that I’ll be okay.

Unfortunately, these things I learned from you are not helpful. Point blank period. Right now, I am struggling and in a constant state of anticipatory anxiety. I have to unlearn almost all of it because it’s hurting me and my perception of things. Philosophy can only do so much.

I am already a reserved person even before meeting you. I almost always prefer not to talk about my personal emotions as long as I can avoid it. I can talk for days about any topic under the sun but almost never when it comes to my hopes, dreams, aspirations and how I am truly feeling. For me, it's one thing to be physically naked in front of someone, maybe I don’t even care about it that much. Talking about my innermost thoughts though? I imagined it to be like being naked in front of a huge townsquare, pinioned, with all the people in that town just gawking at you. You are not able to cover any nakedness. You’re just there to look at them back hoping that no one judges you in your vulnerability. And this makes me quite heady. That is scary as fuck. BUT then again, in order to be seen and heard, you need to be vulnerable. You have to talk about important things no matter how much it exhausts you. You have to fight the urge of shutting down and just running away from something because it is rather uncomfortable. You have to be present for others in order for them to be there for you as well. You have to speak up in order to be heard. You have to show yourself in order to be seen.

Self-preservation is a primal instinct. It helps us to survive since time immemorial. Although this is the case for most things, I think it’s not the same when it comes to trusting. It is exhausting. The cogs in my head run wildly each time and it’s making me fidgety. Even myself gets quite annoyed with me when I am overthinking things just because I feel like someone is lying. I just want to be free and not feel like I am playing 3D-Chess to win. In the game of trust, there’s no such thing as “winning”. You just have to do it. Besides, not everyone out there is trying to get you. Not everyone you meet is going to hurt you. There are for sure telltale signs that one cannot be trusted but it should be from actual stuff that they do and attitude that they’ve shown you and not imaginary things that unearthed from your traumas.

Lastly, when it comes to tolerance, there is still an on-going deliberation in my head. I am trying to balance my beliefs on this. On one hand, I am quite firm that all the good things that come my way would be held dear. On the other hand, I should be aware that good things overflow so letting go should be a thing too. At the moment, I think this is something that I am learning. I am turning mid, in my opinion. I am happy with whatever comes my way and if they chose to leave at the end of the day, I would be fine with that. I no longer want to hold on to things and/or people that scramble to be free from me. I am still willing to suffer for something though IF they are willing to suffer with me as well. Life is not easy; I never expect it to be. It’s best to be with someone who’s willing to go through things with you even when the going gets rough. Choose someone who’s choosing you too. 

Anyway, heavy morning. Have a good weekend.

[Stoic Meditation] What is in Keeping with your Character?

“Character is a powerful defense in a world that would love to be able to seduce you, buy you, tempt you, and change you. If you know what you believe and why you believe it, you’ll avoid poisonous relationships, toxic jobs, fair-weather friends and any number of ills that afflict people who haven’t thought through their deepest concerns. That’s your education. That’s why you do this work.”

What is in Keeping with your Character?, The Daily Stoic, April 30th

 

We are as dynamic as the Earth we're living in

Ah! That ever-present problem of NOT knowing oneself. I think this is a rather common problem that causes a lot of strain in one’s life. Although this is the case, I don’t believe that we can 100% know ourselves. We change as quickly as the weather, sometimes as erratic as the frequency of the waves in the ocean. We can only be certain about ourselves at a specific moment, a given time, but almost never all the time. We are all beings of contradictions and our actions, especially the ones acted upon moments of high emotions, are barely unexplainable. As quoted from the book, The Idiot, of my fave writer and philosopher, F. Dostoyevsky, 

“Don’t let us forget that the causes of human actions are usually immeasurably more complex and varied than our subsequent explanations of them.”

Despite this, I think it is essential to have something in our lives that we firmly believe in. Whether it is our beliefs when it comes to morality or our perceived notion of social protocols, it is important to have something solid that can help us navigate our day to day living. As for myself lately, mine focuses on two things: (1) that I will move on this earth without purposely adding to the misery of someone, and, (2) that I will try to live my life as fully as possible. I think, just with these two seemingly “Quality Assurance” questions, I am able to live a guilt-free sort-of life. 

I believe that in order for us to live a life that we will not regret of, we have to know what is important for us and what we truly believe in.

This is a rather short blog entry but I hope it will do for now as I am working on something else at the moment. 

[Literary Art] Poem Entry - When Writing Eludes You

Sunny days only.

Truly, only in sadness can we write.

When we mourn about things we lost,

when we yearn for things we could have, or, 

when we struggle to keep afloat.

Truly, only in sadness can we write.

When our minds can not have peace,

when our hearts are in chaos, or,

when lips tend to ve mute.

Truly, only in sadness can we write.

When every little thing makes you remember,

when every place tends to be a sanctuary, or,

when every memory is reflected and cherished.

Truly, only in sadness can we write.

For in joy, we live and hold on tight in the moment.

For in joy, the tears were just distant dreams.

For in joy, we close our eyes to wish it will last.

[Stoic Meditation] Trust, But Verify

“First off, don’t let the force of the impression carry you away. Say to it, ‘hold up a bit and let me see who you are and where you are from–let me put you to the test’....”

Epictetus, Discourses, 2.18.24

Oh, dear God. There's probably a lot of things going on in my mind lately that writing eludes me. Usually it comforts the chaos within me, makes sense of the inner turmoil, but right now, it’s just not happening. I guess everything really does come into a territory sometimes. 

I have been trying to write about ‘Trust’ since last night and apparently I couldn’t. When one truly doesn’t understand something, it makes it difficult for one to expound on it and communicate it to others. I literally have to pick up Virginia Woolf’s “A Room of One’s Own” to get some inspiration, (It’s a book addressing female writers or maybe writers in general. At least, that’s what I get from it) and thank God, I did. This curious appeal marked me: “I am asking you to live in the presence of reality, an invigorating life, it would appear, whether one can impart it or not.” So maybe that’s the problem. I am trying to just write for the sake of it without actually living something out first. Focusing solely on the abstract definition of the word is one thing but it doesn’t give life to an already intangible concept. 

Trust is such a difficult noun to grasp. Just like most intangible things, it is something that you probably know what it is but not completely understand. And when you turn it into a verb, it gets even more complicated. As emotional beings, with years of experience and knowledge of the world plus subjective prejudices, stereotypes and assumptions, “trusting” is almost always never objective.

Personally speaking, I have conflicting thoughts about trusting people. It’s like I want to be more open to the idea of it but fear hinders me from doing so. Previous experiences made me wary of it and I feel like it’s more important to protect myself than to improve social connections and/or relationships. BUT, of course, I acknowledge that this is going to be a big problem of mine in the long run. This fear of trusting others can be an isolating shackle that inhibits me from enjoying life to the fullest and for having meaningful connections. And as a 20% hedonist, that would be a gargantuan dilemma for me.

The best way I can describe it is like this:

Imagine if our ancient ancestors just decided to stop exploring the idea of fire and what it can actually do after a particularly painful encounter with it. Let’s just say that one Australopithecus sediba, let’s call her ‘Erica’, just happened to come too close to a wildfire. She and her family (or friends, or commune, or whatever), live near or within a dense forest in the now continent of Africa. She was so fascinated by the fire because it was her first time seeing it. Being quite curious, she came close and felt that it was warm. That was delightful for her so she came even closer. She was so excited so she just decided to go and dive in. Fist and arm, point blank period. You can’t blame her though because (1) it was her first time so she doesn’t have any prior experience on it and (2) she just has a particularly small cranial capacity.

As you would expect, she got a third-degree burn. She went running back to her friends to show her white and charred upper limb, bone showing even. For some reason, she didn’t die. Maybe out of luck or sheer goodness from an unknown celestial being. So now, there was this walking Australopithecus sediba with an injury from the fire for all to see. What happened to her spread like wildfire (no pun intended). Not only to her species but also to the emerging Homo species in town. The H. ergaster were in utter shock, just like their Spanish cousins, the H. antecessor. They swore amongst themselves that they will stay away from the fire because they could be that poor Erica.

The fear passed through evolution and the now emerging H. erectus believes the same. Their elders, the H. ergaster, indubitably claimed that fire is bad news, that they shouldn’t dabble with it. (I know that there are still some debates whether H. ergaster is a separate specie or just a sub specie of H. erectus but for the sake of this illustration, let’s just follow the Geologic timeline of their emergence and carbon dating of the ‘human’ fossils). AND so, the controlled use of fire never came to be. NOTHING HAPPENED. No cooked food, no smelting. The Industrial Revolution was just a distant dream.

That was quite fun to write and I got a little bit sidetracked there. The gist of that whole narrative is this: sure, you’ll get stitches and burn when you trust someone but it doesn’t mean that you should stop doing it altogether after getting hurt. There are a lot of things that you won’t enjoy in life if you just isolate yourself because you’re afraid of getting hurt again. First and foremost, not all people, and in extension–experiences, are the same. You can’t always assume that the same thing will happen because you’re just inviting bad shit in your life. As a scientist, it baffled me that a lot of people subscribe to the idea of a “Law of Attraction” when it has no empirical evidence. Even using “Law” there is rather arbitrary because it means that it is true, no question about it, proven and tested. But I guess the proponent is not really talking about how we can attract superficial things such as wealth and fame. I think it’s more about how one wields the power to change everything around them because of sheer will and internal desire to be positive. It has something to do with vibrations and energies. That your thoughts tend to attract similar results. That is something I can agree with. You attract the good things because you are only focused on seeing the good things.

Trusting is a tedious thing to do. It forces you to be vulnerable, literally opening yourself up to the possibility of pain and suffering. But I think we just really have to do that leap of faith if it makes sense. Of course, I am not saying to just trust blindly. That’s just dumb. You have to ‘verify’ if what’s in front of you is worthwhile and whether or not you're just afraid or the person/situation is actually bad news. You need to have that discernment that comes from experiences you have already contemplated on and what the thing in front of you is consistently showing you. At the end of the day, we just have to believe this famous adage of Theodore Roosevelt, “Nothing worth having comes easy.” Everything has a price and you just have to decide if you want to pay it because it's worth it.

The real Alpha

[Philosophical Ramblings] Victimhood and Why It Doesn't Suit Us

The most difficult thing to admit to one’s self is this: we, ourselves, are the ultimate cause of our own unhappiness. Once realized, a sense of profound enlightenment would wash over you and a lot of things can be viewed and handled by you in a different light. 

It’s never the people nor the situation around us. We might think that this is the case but it never truly is. Never was, never will be. Despite this, I agree that we are all victims. We are the victims of our own imaginations, aspirations, expectations, assumptions, (all the other -tions you can think of), guilt, doubts, and desires among other things. We put ourselves through different levels of exhaustive and mind-numbing states of fear, desperation and anxieties that stem from our perception of everything around us. We might argue that a lot of things outside of our immediate self can and may affect us but we seem to be forgetting that our consciousness is probably the quintessential example of a ‘closed system’. (Disclaimer: Less comparable to how it works in nature, more comparable to how it works in Chemistry and other sciences where transfer of energy is allowed. That kind of vibe.) Everything around us has been there since time immemorial so the only thing that we can control is how we deal with it and how we grow from it.

People often question reality because there’s some truth in that premise that we all perceive it differently. Reality is subjective and almost never objective. And when you actually think about it, we can even argue that concepts such as that of morality and values have varying connotations depending on who were asked and where they stem from. Hell, even sovereign laws and dogmas held for centuries are being challenged in the daily. Everything can be subjected to interpretations as most lawyers would inform us thusly. So with all these in mind, who are we to dismiss the fact that the power to make ourselves joyful and in full possession of our lives is truly within us? That, despite everything around us, despite what other people tell you, we are our own peace and quiet? It is quite empowering to know that no matter what happens, we are in control.

Of course, I never claim that this would be an easy feat. From time to time, I ‘backslide’ like how our Christian believers would say. Remnants of old and harmful habits rear their ugly heads and since we’re talking about habits, more often than not, these are heavily ingrained in our routines and decision-making. It will definitely take some time before it will truly dissipate. It will take some practice to always choose to be joyful and to wriggle off the victim mentality. We also need to consider that we are emotional beings that are often ruled by a palpably fickle heart. Just like the waves, we can be torrential, seemingly impulsive and catastrophic. Peace and calm are most definitely desired but somehow almost always never the choice. We are so used to the chaos within us that rewiring will take some guts, an intense self-control and a resilient will.

But we don’t have to worry about this. Again, we are in control. We have the power to choose and ACCEPT things as they are and move on from it. As long as we are breathing and living, we have the ability to practice and do some trial and error. ACCEPT mistakes, pains and suffering. ACCEPT that we are growing and blooming as we tread the path of life. We are capable beings with beautiful minds. We were never designed to be victims, rather we are fighters. I would like to relate the former to this quote from Camus’ Lyrical and Critical Essays, 1970, 

“Accepting the absurdity of everything around us is one step, a necessary experience: it should not become a dead end. It arouses a revolt that can become fruitful.” 

The ‘revolt’ to not being victims leads to joy and fulfillment and bettering ourselves.

So starting from now, if you haven’t been doing it yet, you should carry yourself with dignity and pride. Victimhood doesn’t suit you. How can a powerful being stoops down to that level and decides to be unhappy?

[Ramblings] It’s Been Awhile

Turmoil

There is this internal turmoil within me. I am trying so hard not to explode since a lot of emotions and thoughts have been going through my mind lately. A struggle between what I want and what I need ensued when I started to immerse myself in philosophy and I am trying to find the right balance between the two.

My logical mind is telling me to continue the course I am currently taking and stick to the adages I’ve learnt to treasure since first beholding them. It’s a path of less expectation, median yearnings and emotional obliviousness. Being able to take control of my emotions and to cerebrally assess situations make up an almost serene and peaceful life. I like it because it keeps me grounded. It makes me look at the world in a better light. This is my homeostasis.

On the other hand, my passionate self is being left in the corner. It’s like a child begging for attention–acting out. It continuously tags on my heart and although I feel love for it, hell, it probably holds a certain favor in me, I couldn’t seem to indulge it wholly in its capriciousness. It is so reckless, so wild and unkempt. It keeps on playing a mantra in my head that makes it dear to me but also makes me quite alarmed: “What is life without whimsy?”. And to whims it capitulates and accrued life. 

There is really nothing much to talk about the former but so much of the latter has been longing to be known. It’s been complaining how dour my current existence is. And although I am indeed doing a lot of exciting things, it feels like I am tamed. Domesticated and a bit boring. My passionate self is eternally thrill-seeking, bursting with enthusiasm and quite eager to love. It’s reckless and, quite annoyingly for me, so open about everything. I, honestly, don’t know what to do with it. I feel like I don’t have the energy to deal with it but I also feel like it’s quite a disservice to ignore its plight. It’s just goddamn scary and complicated to take care of this neglected fragment of myself. 

And to my all time favorite Romantic Writer, true that.

Call

When it comes to love, which I am also writing about a lot lately, I am utterly in a limbo. A stand-off is happening between my logical and passionate self. Everything seems to be at a standstill and my subtle self (the one who seems to be just passively watching and neutral, might even be the deciding self) just laughs in the corner. 

The logical fragment of myself keeps on reminding me that now is just now. Nothing is supposed to be serious, nothing is set in stone and that it’s okay to not figure everything out all at once. It has this ever calming and soothing hymn of patience, kindness and timidity that resolves me to take every moment and see it as it is. It allows me to focus on the good and disregard the emotional irrationals. The aim is to locate the constant maxims and discount the blinding ones. 

What I like about the former is its friendliness. It makes me like myself a bit more and it relaxes me since it comforts me with the fact that everything does get better. Seriously even using the second law of Thermodynamics to pacify my ever fearful heart. It also pushes me to do things despite anxiety with sound judgment that is supported with experience, known facts and weighed consequences. To it, love is just something that you do. It has no attachment, no inkling and definitely not an investment.

To my passionate self, I recognized a lot of concepts to be the same but the perceptions are perplexingly abhorrent. I couldn’t seem to describe it but it’s rather selfish and impulsive–almost like the Freudian “id”. I don’t know if I am being unfair to it but it’s just so base in nature. It’s immensely torrential, favors compulsions and treats almost everything personally. It’s a bit tiresome to handle its erraticness since it doesn’t want to hold on to reasons. It wants to have and to own but refuses to be mastered the same. It just wants to take and take and refuses to be denied.

“The Reluctant Bride,” by Auguste Toulmouche.

I need no context hahaha

Seething

In limbo, my subtle self holds its breath. I like to think it incensed but it is a rather unfeeling fragment of mine. So I guess the rest of me will do the seething and waiting, probably with gnashing teeth too. There seems to be no resolution in sight and all I can do now is sit and wait and decide once the opportunity presents itself.

[Ramblings] Manifesting "You"

I've been seriously going back and forth with the whole concept of Manifesting, this whole "putting it out to the universe" thing. I like to say that I don't believe it but there's just so much stuff in this world that I couldn't really prove at all, that I don't know about and that I don't completely understand. There is a great possibility that this could be one of those things so I might just as well try it.

It's amusing to write about this here but there is no way I would be able to find this when I finally need the wisdom of "after-22.00-me". Resurrecting this from the multiple journals and scribblings that I keep would be tedious when the time comes so I am publishing this here. (Also, I am cheating a bit here because I am editing it the next morning after I’ve written most of the body. This feels like a thin watery soup and I don’t like that. I think I will never have the confidence of Nietzsche when it comes to writing.)

This is me now after rewriting some parts of this piece

More and more, I've been thinking about "you", the man that I would be devoted to when the time finally comes for us. I'm a bit skeptical if you even exist but hey, this is a "manifestation" so I have to begin with the premise that you do exist. I think I might have to explain myself a bit here. I am mostly indifferent to your existence and this is mostly because of my current philosophy. I think I am capable of being fulfilled and content without a life partner since I can spend my days toiling and thinking, exploring my seemingly unquenchable thirst for adventure and knowledge. There are too many things I can do that would fill my days. Unfortunately for me, there is my subconscious too. I think that this part of myself that has been left in the dark and not being nurtured wants to partner up. It craves to commune with someone, to witness another’s life until it ceases to exist. And if I have to believe Carl Jung, I have to cater to its whims as well because otherwise, I will forever have this internal struggle that I am experiencing right now. I have this great desire to be left alone but at the same time, there is this nudge within me that pushes me to connect with someone. With great fear and anxiety, I’m trying to listen to the inner turmoil. The needs and wants should be equally fulfilled. Truly, the most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. 

Me dealing with my subconscious

I don't really care what you look like because I think I would learn to love every attribute of your face. Every facet, no matter how unremarkable they are to you, would be cherished, lol. As a frustrated portraitist, this is to be expected from me. I will always find you cute and handsome, adorable even, no matter how you feel or think that you look like. I'm probably always gonna boost your ego and self-confidence as I will always remind you how good-looking you are. I rarely look at physical attributes anyway. To me, everyone is beautiful. Ugliness comes only within the territory of wickedness. I only decide that a person is ugly once they have shown me how morally despicable they are. I barely judge people nowadays anyway and I’ve learned that I am as blemished as the next person so one really has to be very bad for me to categorize one as ‘ugly’.  

For the most part, I think what makes you so attractive to me is your general attitude and disposition in life. You are confident, reliable, smart and genuine. You are also funny, barely take everything so seriously and you try to see things as they are. Oh, and you listen to me and take into consideration how I feel. (I really have to add this, lol.) You try to genuinely connect with me, exchange stories about your day or just randomly share stuff that you see online. I expect that we would have ‘harmony’ but not in the ways that books and tv shows depict it. As a realistic person, there would definitely be struggles when it comes to our personalities, some clashes in our outlooks and opinions but we compromise as much as we can. This ‘harmony’ would only be possible if we share important values anyway (eg. both of us abhor infidelity, we see eye to eye when it comes to morality, parenthood, etc.) We move with the rigors in life with joy and patience and are quite flexible if need be. 

But I think you're gonna be mostly funny.

I think we would be great friends first. Probably one of those slow-burn kindling. Knowing who I am right now, I would definitely opt for this. We might not have the initial exploding emotions that are both thrilling and exciting (but quite unsustainable in the long run, for real, for real,) but we'll make it up with constancy and deep emotions that are rooted from our initial friendship. We genuinely like each other as a person and not just what we can offer as a partner in a relationship. We'll have each other's back and there's just this peace and calming effect whenever we're around each other. 

Just like Ross and Joey in this episode of Friends.

Gone are the tumultuous desires and passions of youth, lol! I’m not saying that it’s not gonna be passionate and desirous but again, it’s not the same as how Hollywood portrays it. The reason why I think fireworks and butterflies never always work is because once the honeymoon phase is over, we look for another high. We are going to crave and crave for the overwhelming emotions that we had during the first days, when everything is peachy and we’re looking at love with rose-tinted glasses. Once reality hits, we grow to resent the other person as they no longer seem to be perfect. One by one, all the adorable characteristics we liked before annoyed us. And since there is no deep friendship established, only attractions that are as fleeting and ever changing as our emotions, we begin to look for someone else that can give us the high again. 

I can't stress this out hard enough

I think as we get older, our understanding of all the concepts relating to love changes. I don’t think it’s because we become boring, rather, we sorta mellow. We become generally wiser, less confused with what we want and what we don’t want and most importantly, we already figure out ourselves (probably not completely all at once since we are dynamic beings. We change and grow until we perish.) The harshness of life and circumstances tone us down and although we get to keep some vestige of our inner child, we long to be in the company of a gentle and still love. The feeling is like coming home, where all your worries seem to soften, if not fade. It’s like the first breeze on a beautiful summer day. I’ve read somewhere that it’s like being with someone who calms and tempers your heart, like a balm to the aches of the world. I guess we seem to forget that passion can also come in a soft and sweet way. That high intensity is almost always not desired. The ocean is beautiful in all the seasons but it is in its loveliest when it is calm and serene.

With you, it will not be THAT confusing because you’ll help me get past the things that bothers  and frightens me. Communication would be our best suit and we’ll try to understand each other as much as we can. I think you will see through me and how afraid I truly am despite the stoic exterior. Although I am self-reliant, you will not hesitate to comfort me and assure me that everything is going to be alright. That my fears, although valid, are sometimes confounded. I think you reassuring me from time to time amazes me even if I don’t ask for it. You probably have a deep understanding of our emotional needs as human beings. I guess you’re into philosophy and psychology as well or if not, you at least have the working understanding of it. 

I'm definitely Caterpie

Writing this is such a palette cleanser as I am currently reading The Monk by Matthew Lewis. If you know, you know, lol. This was such a nice manifestation sesh (done in two sittings, lol). 

[Ramblings] Holding Back

And there I was, catching myself holding back.

Holding back before the jump

All throughout the collective interaction, there were multiple times wherein I was holding my breath, trying to figure out whether the fear and anxiety made sense. Always second-guessing, always doubting. There was this great desire to pull myself away, to run on the other side and hide myself. Everything that could go wrong flashed before my eyes. Thanks to whatever is out there, I was able to catch myself in those moments of weakness.

It wasn’t even because of the fear of ‘having’. I think I want to ‘have’ but the idea of ‘having’ and then ‘working’ are so far-fetched in my imaginations that it makes me uncomfortable. The idea of ‘working’ is still an unfamiliar territory for me and I haven’t really given it much thought. Logically, I can see it as something benign to my existence. I can coexist with it without too many adjustments and it can be good too for my character development. Emotionally, on the other hand, might be a different story. It’s a bit unsettling, worrisome and possibly cancerous. But then again, things we don’t know usually bring so much fear. It’s not because we are weak and unimaginative. The unknown is just mind-bogglingly daunting.

Evidently enough, we are only taught about the ‘having’ and how the concept of it makes us whole somehow. Apparently, it can give a sense of purpose, more joy and more satisfaction. I, for one, don’t necessarily believe this. I believe that I am capable of not ‘having’ but I also don’t shun the idea of it. It probably can bring nuances that can better my life in general but I am content with who I am and what I have regardless. Even with societal pressures, it’s not really something that bothers me. I guess we can say that I am indifferent towards it most of the time.

BUT since most of us try to fit in within the set ‘standards’, not ‘having’ makes you an oddity even when you’re perfectly fine with it. Meanwhile, the literature regarding ‘working’ is obviously scarce and even people we admire due to their maturity and wisdom have varying opinions about it. They focus too much about the concept of ‘keeping’ when we can’t possibly do that in this life. There is no way for things to last in this temporary world. The only thing that matters at the end of the day, and unfortunately for us because it’s quite elusive, is the notion of ‘working’.

It doesn’t help that I found out that I am a resilient optimist by virtue. I am still so mad about that. For such a long time I fronted as a dejected pessimist only for me to be crushed into acceptance that even the tiniest glimmer of hope keeps me alive. Every seed I have, no matter how futile it seems, I water. There is no such thing as attention and love wasted. And so this is where I am stuck; this limbo of hope and despair. ‘Working’ is apparently associated with both emotions as far as I am concerned. Both keep you grounded and adjusted and more importantly, realistic.

Despair aside, I am trying to embrace the present without (or as little with) this crippling anxiety. I am happy about all the seemingly mundane and casual things I am experiencing. I try to capture and embed in my memory the trivialities that make me smile and make my heart flutter. It’s getting more and more easier to accept the peace and disengage with the negative thoughts. It’s as if I am on the verge of ‘working’. 

[Philosophical Ramblings] Control and Changes

I’ve been contemplating about my life lately in silence. Feeling both joy and pain in privacy gives me the satisfaction that I didn’t even know that I crave for beforehand. This is a bit of unfamiliar territory for me, you see. I know that I wanted to keep my business to myself and maybe share some of it to those people that are very dear to me but before, I feel like I have to show some aspects of my life in order for people to see that I am successful, happy and/or thriving. I have to do something in order to prove that I am breathing and still alive.

But that’s the thing; I am alive and well whether people can see it or not, whether they believe it or not. All the overflowing emotions that I experience daily matters even though not a lot of people feel it nor share it. The thoughts that come to me during my walks or just by doing some menial tasks are real even if they are not put into words, written or published. My existence is undeniably real. This realization is one of the things that makes me feel freer than ever. 

Lately, I can feel more and more in control of my life. Although most of the time I feel like I am bored, which I partly blame to the fact that I am not “challenged” enough these days, I can honestly say that I am content with this. I feel like everything is kinda balancing itself and things are falling into its proper place. My emotions, although felt sincerely and deeply, are controlled and managed. My expectations are rather realistic and most importantly, my desires are checked and honest. A lot of things really changed once I tried to align myself and figure out who I am and what I realistically could be.

Most people aimed for the highest of the highest ambitions for themselves. Theoretically, there’s nothing wrong with this. It’s nice to have a goal. But more often than not, we allow ourselves to be quite obsessive with these lofty goals that we failed to see that there are a lot of factors that we couldn’t and even can’t control. Then when we fail to achieve our desires, we blame ourselves. As if we are the only thing in the equation that can make things happen. As if everything is on us when in reality, that is not always the case. 

Of course, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t strive nor dream. We should still consider and look into tons of possibilities and opportunities that are available for us. Being realistic though gives us the edge to cross out outrageous ideas and helps us to take a step back and look into stuff objectively. As an example, something happened to me recently that made me feel, well, too much. I felt like I was so giddy, quite happy and made me look into the situation promisingly. Those were all positive emotions, true, and I let myself soak all of it. But I was probably well-trained now at this point by Stoicism that after a while, I can hear something within me, telling me to dial down the excitement a notch. And that was sensible. I was already getting ahead of myself without realizing it and it was nice to be brought back to where my feet should be. The feeling of being on ‘Cloud 9’ is all good but it’s not sustainable. It always leads to disappointment after every fix you have. 

There are not a lot of things you can control in your life for sure. So whatever it is that you can do, you should exploit it as best as you are able to.

[Writings] Chapter 1

Working Title: Blanche

Some explanation at the bottom.

Velvety and fine off white muslin canopy drape. By now, she believed that she already memorized how the crinkles of the cloth run. Yellow cords with little tassels carefully tie the canopy on both sides of the bed and she believes that the edges were decorated with imitation gold fringes. It wasn’t the softest fabric, she knows because she touched it the first time she saw it, but for an English middle class family, it is an indulgence. Every single morning it was the same view before her eyes and unfortunately for her, every single morning it is the same “her” in bed.

“It is rather concerning,” she overheard Mrs. Dennings at the foot of her bed.

“I think we should give her more time. It’s been only, what? Almost 5 weeks, right?” said Mrs. Zacharias, her mother. “This is a terribly trying time for her. You of all people know how it is to lose a husband.”

“Mrs. Zacharias!” exclaimed her mother-in-law. “I lost my husband a good thirteen years ago! I think it is rather impertinent to point that out when I also just lost my son!” 

“I…I apologized, Mrs. Dennings. I didn’t know what I was saying,” she could hear her mother’s voice tremble. “I know you cared about my little Blanche but she has always been this way. She feels so deeply. It is not so easy. It is her first loss.”

“I do understand that but she is also pregnant. She needs to take care of herself. The doctor said that she needs to step out and soak whatever little sunlight we’re having these days. That is my grandchild we’re talking about.”

She closed her eyes and slowly moved her hand to touch her stomach. She tries to drown the concerned bickering of the two women. What has happened to her life? It was so promising only two months ago. Now, it has turned into a nightmare that she doesn’t know how to wake up from.

Seven months ago, she married a man she believed she would grow old with. Her friends were all gushing about the match as they said that it was rather ‘perfect’. All of them believed that they both had the same temperament and empathy; that no two people understand each other better than the two of them. Now she finds herself wondering if she really has to go on with life without his unique love and understanding.

Sure it was but a blissful short married life and yet, it meant the world for her. She has known Robert since she was five. They’ve grown together, studied together and dreamt together. Navigating life without him feels so surreal. It is so unfamiliar, strange and unsurprisingly empty. Her heart feels so cavernous and she doesn’t completely know how to fill this void. He has always been there as long as she can remember.

The first week without him was unbelievably difficult for her. She wasn’t able to get out of bed and she couldn’t keep anything that she ate. The latter was probably because of the pregnancy, the only reason she kept on trying to eat in the first place. But still, it was quite puzzling that she just couldn’t stop vomiting. It’s as if it was her body’s way of protesting as to why she has to keep on living while Robert is rotting in his grave. She really thought that they would die together when they’re both gray and old.

She bit her lower lip as she tried to stifle a sob. It is rather bittersweet whenever she thinks about her fate. On the one hand, her Robert will remain young and beautiful in her memories while on the other, well, he is gone. Her precious husband, the brilliant, unassuming, and promising Robert, was nothing in comparison to the common bout of cold that turned out to be consumption.

“The poor child is trembling.” 

She opened her eyes and saw Mrs. Dennings looked intently at her.

“Blanche, you need to take care of yourself for the babe.”

“And for Robert,” her mom timidly added next to her mother-in-law.

She closed her eyes once again. Hearing his name is still quite difficult for her.

“I will get up in a bit, ladies,” she said weakly. “I just feel a bit heady.”

“Would you do us a favor and drink your morning tea? It would certainly help with the nausea. We would leave you alone afterwards,” Mrs. Dennings coaxed.

“Surely, surely, we will,” her mom seconded.

“Yes, of course.”

She pushed herself to sit and downed the tea. It was Asam.

“Black would be fine for me next time, mother. No need to get the expensive one,” she politely whispered to her mother-in-law.

“But you keep on throwing up. Besides, the prices are not that bad. Our Mrs. Hugs is friendly with the storekeeper. He gives her the best deals.”

Her mother laughed, “Ah, your dear Mrs. Hugs. I wish our servants had such connections.”

Blanche sighed impatiently. Such an irritating remark and coming from her own mother. She is rather impatient and short these days. Everyone seems to be living their mundane life as they should be, gossiping and being busybodies, while she tries to make sense of hers. It is rather unfair, she claimed in her head.

“I would love to be in your company more, but I really need to lie down again,” she said.

She softly brought herself down to bed again and turned her back towards them. Blanche heard the two women sighed. Then she heard the rustle of their dresses and their light steps moving away from her bed. When she heard the door closed, she hugged herself and cried until she fell asleep.

“Darling, I am not quite sure yet but I think I am with child,” she told him while they were having dinner.

He looked at her, smiled sweetly and held her hand across the table, “That is welcomed news. As to why you’re not excited, that, to me, is rather surprising.”

“I am scared,” Blanche meekly admitted.

Robert sighed and held her hand tightly, “What can I do to make you feel a bit better? I can’t take away your fears but I could probably do something to lighten your concern.”

She couldn’t help but smile. Typical Robert.

“Well, I don’t know actually but what you have just said made my heart delighted. I appreciate that.”

He laughed heartily, “You are quite easy to please but you do know that if I can carry that child for you, I will do it.”

She covered her mouth to suppress a loud laugh, “Oh, Robert! What a mirth you are.”

“But you know I would do so if I can physiologically!” he said, now shaking in laughter.

“And what a sight it would be!” she exclaimed as she laughed with him.

And, she was back in reality once more. Same off white muslin canopy hanging above her and still no Robert.