[Ramblings] In my 30s

 

30 in Porto

To say that I’ve come so far is an understatement. I’ve come far and then decided to go even further. BUT, as a disclaimer, I am talking about my personal definition of ‘far’. I don’t think my parents, and in extension my relatives, agree with what I am doing with my life. I don’t think the institution that gave me my degree in Geology expected that I won’t be practicing the profession in under 5 years after my graduation. I have been technically unemployed for three years and somehow, I am a bit closer to what people call the state of ‘contentment’. 

Torre dos Clérigos

Praia do Carneiro

OLD TRAM!

Livraria Lello - Tons of people waiting outside

 

Facade of Igreja do Carmo

Lovely street at Porto

Ribeira

Capela das Almas

Just right around the corner where we went for a Michelin dinner

Of course, getting here took a lot of time, energy and guts. It was a difficult journey from there to here. I have to shed off some weight of personal and societal expectations. To begin with, I don’t even know what my actual personal expectations are, or whether I was just brought up to believe that they were mine to begin with. I guess, with my educational background, I have been set for an academic track, getting a Master’s then eventually a PhD. Maybe I would flourish as a professor or even a scientist that works nonstop in the lab and I would count myself happy. No matter how I deny it, I love to learn and I love to figure out stuff. I like to read and I like to observe every interesting thing around me. But I guess, that is where it ends with myself. I am clueless as to what to do next and where to go after.

There were some people who told me that I don’t have any ambitions and some that would say the opposite. There were some that told me time and time again how promising I was and I would surely do great things and some that tried to bring me down whenever they could. There were people who were patient to educate me, leading me to things that I can do and forging whatever skillset I have to better me and some that are relentless in misguiding me and making me feel that I am unworthy of anything. A lot of contradictions in every turn, people that either have your best interest or not and experiences that can either be harmful or beneficial–such is our lives. Moving to Europe and just, well, chilling, has given me the opportunity to be able to self-realize.

More than anything, I think it is quite important to know who you are and what you want. From there, a lot of our choices will make sense and our struggles will lessen. After all, it is quite important to prioritize. We only have a short amount of time in God’s green earth but it is long enough for us to do the important things.

I am in my early 30s and although I still have a lot of frustrations, I think I have become more docile and at peace of who I am at what I actually want. The noise of people’s judgements and opinions still ran in the background but I have gained to tune it out and just focus on the inner voice that wants to be heard since time immemorial. Their expectations, definitions of success and failure and what happiness really means are all still displayed in the galleries of my mind but I have my own canvas to work on and to tend to. I have so many colors to play with on my own and my own set of music to listen to so why would I let others dictate what I should choose and do?

Right now, I am trying to focus on making worthwhile connections, keeping all the happy memories in my head, letting go of all the pain and internalized suffering and living in the now. I still have a lot to figure out and no matter how one feels that it is scary, the unknown is so exciting for me. Too many possibilities to play with.