[Ramblings] Holding Back

And there I was, catching myself holding back.

Holding back before the jump

All throughout the collective interaction, there were multiple times wherein I was holding my breath, trying to figure out whether the fear and anxiety made sense. Always second-guessing, always doubting. There was this great desire to pull myself away, to run on the other side and hide myself. Everything that could go wrong flashed before my eyes. Thanks to whatever is out there, I was able to catch myself in those moments of weakness.

It wasn’t even because of the fear of ‘having’. I think I want to ‘have’ but the idea of ‘having’ and then ‘working’ are so far-fetched in my imaginations that it makes me uncomfortable. The idea of ‘working’ is still an unfamiliar territory for me and I haven’t really given it much thought. Logically, I can see it as something benign to my existence. I can coexist with it without too many adjustments and it can be good too for my character development. Emotionally, on the other hand, might be a different story. It’s a bit unsettling, worrisome and possibly cancerous. But then again, things we don’t know usually bring so much fear. It’s not because we are weak and unimaginative. The unknown is just mind-bogglingly daunting.

Evidently enough, we are only taught about the ‘having’ and how the concept of it makes us whole somehow. Apparently, it can give a sense of purpose, more joy and more satisfaction. I, for one, don’t necessarily believe this. I believe that I am capable of not ‘having’ but I also don’t shun the idea of it. It probably can bring nuances that can better my life in general but I am content with who I am and what I have regardless. Even with societal pressures, it’s not really something that bothers me. I guess we can say that I am indifferent towards it most of the time.

BUT since most of us try to fit in within the set ‘standards’, not ‘having’ makes you an oddity even when you’re perfectly fine with it. Meanwhile, the literature regarding ‘working’ is obviously scarce and even people we admire due to their maturity and wisdom have varying opinions about it. They focus too much about the concept of ‘keeping’ when we can’t possibly do that in this life. There is no way for things to last in this temporary world. The only thing that matters at the end of the day, and unfortunately for us because it’s quite elusive, is the notion of ‘working’.

It doesn’t help that I found out that I am a resilient optimist by virtue. I am still so mad about that. For such a long time I fronted as a dejected pessimist only for me to be crushed into acceptance that even the tiniest glimmer of hope keeps me alive. Every seed I have, no matter how futile it seems, I water. There is no such thing as attention and love wasted. And so this is where I am stuck; this limbo of hope and despair. ‘Working’ is apparently associated with both emotions as far as I am concerned. Both keep you grounded and adjusted and more importantly, realistic.

Despair aside, I am trying to embrace the present without (or as little with) this crippling anxiety. I am happy about all the seemingly mundane and casual things I am experiencing. I try to capture and embed in my memory the trivialities that make me smile and make my heart flutter. It’s getting more and more easier to accept the peace and disengage with the negative thoughts. It’s as if I am on the verge of ‘working’.