[Ramblings] Manifesting "You"

I've been seriously going back and forth with the whole concept of Manifesting, this whole "putting it out to the universe" thing. I like to say that I don't believe it but there's just so much stuff in this world that I couldn't really prove at all, that I don't know about and that I don't completely understand. There is a great possibility that this could be one of those things so I might just as well try it.

It's amusing to write about this here but there is no way I would be able to find this when I finally need the wisdom of "after-22.00-me". Resurrecting this from the multiple journals and scribblings that I keep would be tedious when the time comes so I am publishing this here. (Also, I am cheating a bit here because I am editing it the next morning after I’ve written most of the body. This feels like a thin watery soup and I don’t like that. I think I will never have the confidence of Nietzsche when it comes to writing.)

This is me now after rewriting some parts of this piece

More and more, I've been thinking about "you", the man that I would be devoted to when the time finally comes for us. I'm a bit skeptical if you even exist but hey, this is a "manifestation" so I have to begin with the premise that you do exist. I think I might have to explain myself a bit here. I am mostly indifferent to your existence and this is mostly because of my current philosophy. I think I am capable of being fulfilled and content without a life partner since I can spend my days toiling and thinking, exploring my seemingly unquenchable thirst for adventure and knowledge. There are too many things I can do that would fill my days. Unfortunately for me, there is my subconscious too. I think that this part of myself that has been left in the dark and not being nurtured wants to partner up. It craves to commune with someone, to witness another’s life until it ceases to exist. And if I have to believe Carl Jung, I have to cater to its whims as well because otherwise, I will forever have this internal struggle that I am experiencing right now. I have this great desire to be left alone but at the same time, there is this nudge within me that pushes me to connect with someone. With great fear and anxiety, I’m trying to listen to the inner turmoil. The needs and wants should be equally fulfilled. Truly, the most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. 

Me dealing with my subconscious

I don't really care what you look like because I think I would learn to love every attribute of your face. Every facet, no matter how unremarkable they are to you, would be cherished, lol. As a frustrated portraitist, this is to be expected from me. I will always find you cute and handsome, adorable even, no matter how you feel or think that you look like. I'm probably always gonna boost your ego and self-confidence as I will always remind you how good-looking you are. I rarely look at physical attributes anyway. To me, everyone is beautiful. Ugliness comes only within the territory of wickedness. I only decide that a person is ugly once they have shown me how morally despicable they are. I barely judge people nowadays anyway and I’ve learned that I am as blemished as the next person so one really has to be very bad for me to categorize one as ‘ugly’.  

For the most part, I think what makes you so attractive to me is your general attitude and disposition in life. You are confident, reliable, smart and genuine. You are also funny, barely take everything so seriously and you try to see things as they are. Oh, and you listen to me and take into consideration how I feel. (I really have to add this, lol.) You try to genuinely connect with me, exchange stories about your day or just randomly share stuff that you see online. I expect that we would have ‘harmony’ but not in the ways that books and tv shows depict it. As a realistic person, there would definitely be struggles when it comes to our personalities, some clashes in our outlooks and opinions but we compromise as much as we can. This ‘harmony’ would only be possible if we share important values anyway (eg. both of us abhor infidelity, we see eye to eye when it comes to morality, parenthood, etc.) We move with the rigors in life with joy and patience and are quite flexible if need be. 

But I think you're gonna be mostly funny.

I think we would be great friends first. Probably one of those slow-burn kindling. Knowing who I am right now, I would definitely opt for this. We might not have the initial exploding emotions that are both thrilling and exciting (but quite unsustainable in the long run, for real, for real,) but we'll make it up with constancy and deep emotions that are rooted from our initial friendship. We genuinely like each other as a person and not just what we can offer as a partner in a relationship. We'll have each other's back and there's just this peace and calming effect whenever we're around each other. 

Just like Ross and Joey in this episode of Friends.

Gone are the tumultuous desires and passions of youth, lol! I’m not saying that it’s not gonna be passionate and desirous but again, it’s not the same as how Hollywood portrays it. The reason why I think fireworks and butterflies never always work is because once the honeymoon phase is over, we look for another high. We are going to crave and crave for the overwhelming emotions that we had during the first days, when everything is peachy and we’re looking at love with rose-tinted glasses. Once reality hits, we grow to resent the other person as they no longer seem to be perfect. One by one, all the adorable characteristics we liked before annoyed us. And since there is no deep friendship established, only attractions that are as fleeting and ever changing as our emotions, we begin to look for someone else that can give us the high again. 

I can't stress this out hard enough

I think as we get older, our understanding of all the concepts relating to love changes. I don’t think it’s because we become boring, rather, we sorta mellow. We become generally wiser, less confused with what we want and what we don’t want and most importantly, we already figure out ourselves (probably not completely all at once since we are dynamic beings. We change and grow until we perish.) The harshness of life and circumstances tone us down and although we get to keep some vestige of our inner child, we long to be in the company of a gentle and still love. The feeling is like coming home, where all your worries seem to soften, if not fade. It’s like the first breeze on a beautiful summer day. I’ve read somewhere that it’s like being with someone who calms and tempers your heart, like a balm to the aches of the world. I guess we seem to forget that passion can also come in a soft and sweet way. That high intensity is almost always not desired. The ocean is beautiful in all the seasons but it is in its loveliest when it is calm and serene.

With you, it will not be THAT confusing because you’ll help me get past the things that bothers  and frightens me. Communication would be our best suit and we’ll try to understand each other as much as we can. I think you will see through me and how afraid I truly am despite the stoic exterior. Although I am self-reliant, you will not hesitate to comfort me and assure me that everything is going to be alright. That my fears, although valid, are sometimes confounded. I think you reassuring me from time to time amazes me even if I don’t ask for it. You probably have a deep understanding of our emotional needs as human beings. I guess you’re into philosophy and psychology as well or if not, you at least have the working understanding of it. 

I'm definitely Caterpie

Writing this is such a palette cleanser as I am currently reading The Monk by Matthew Lewis. If you know, you know, lol. This was such a nice manifestation sesh (done in two sittings, lol).