Turmoil
There is this internal turmoil within me. I am trying so hard not to explode since a lot of emotions and thoughts have been going through my mind lately. A struggle between what I want and what I need ensued when I started to immerse myself in philosophy and I am trying to find the right balance between the two.
My logical mind is telling me to continue the course I am currently taking and stick to the adages I’ve learnt to treasure since first beholding them. It’s a path of less expectation, median yearnings and emotional obliviousness. Being able to take control of my emotions and to cerebrally assess situations make up an almost serene and peaceful life. I like it because it keeps me grounded. It makes me look at the world in a better light. This is my homeostasis.
On the other hand, my passionate self is being left in the corner. It’s like a child begging for attention–acting out. It continuously tags on my heart and although I feel love for it, hell, it probably holds a certain favor in me, I couldn’t seem to indulge it wholly in its capriciousness. It is so reckless, so wild and unkempt. It keeps on playing a mantra in my head that makes it dear to me but also makes me quite alarmed: “What is life without whimsy?”. And to whims it capitulates and accrued life.
There is really nothing much to talk about the former but so much of the latter has been longing to be known. It’s been complaining how dour my current existence is. And although I am indeed doing a lot of exciting things, it feels like I am tamed. Domesticated and a bit boring. My passionate self is eternally thrill-seeking, bursting with enthusiasm and quite eager to love. It’s reckless and, quite annoyingly for me, so open about everything. I, honestly, don’t know what to do with it. I feel like I don’t have the energy to deal with it but I also feel like it’s quite a disservice to ignore its plight. It’s just goddamn scary and complicated to take care of this neglected fragment of myself.
Call
When it comes to love, which I am also writing about a lot lately, I am utterly in a limbo. A stand-off is happening between my logical and passionate self. Everything seems to be at a standstill and my subtle self (the one who seems to be just passively watching and neutral, might even be the deciding self) just laughs in the corner.
The logical fragment of myself keeps on reminding me that now is just now. Nothing is supposed to be serious, nothing is set in stone and that it’s okay to not figure everything out all at once. It has this ever calming and soothing hymn of patience, kindness and timidity that resolves me to take every moment and see it as it is. It allows me to focus on the good and disregard the emotional irrationals. The aim is to locate the constant maxims and discount the blinding ones.
What I like about the former is its friendliness. It makes me like myself a bit more and it relaxes me since it comforts me with the fact that everything does get better. Seriously even using the second law of Thermodynamics to pacify my ever fearful heart. It also pushes me to do things despite anxiety with sound judgment that is supported with experience, known facts and weighed consequences. To it, love is just something that you do. It has no attachment, no inkling and definitely not an investment.
To my passionate self, I recognized a lot of concepts to be the same but the perceptions are perplexingly abhorrent. I couldn’t seem to describe it but it’s rather selfish and impulsive–almost like the Freudian “id”. I don’t know if I am being unfair to it but it’s just so base in nature. It’s immensely torrential, favors compulsions and treats almost everything personally. It’s a bit tiresome to handle its erraticness since it doesn’t want to hold on to reasons. It wants to have and to own but refuses to be mastered the same. It just wants to take and take and refuses to be denied.
Seething
In limbo, my subtle self holds its breath. I like to think it incensed but it is a rather unfeeling fragment of mine. So I guess the rest of me will do the seething and waiting, probably with gnashing teeth too. There seems to be no resolution in sight and all I can do now is sit and wait and decide once the opportunity presents itself.
No comments:
Post a Comment