I have a lot of pent up anger lately and it’s kinda funny that it is being masked by either languishing or isolating that I’ve been doing. This passive rage that has been building since the beginning of autumn and now a full-blown exasperation that makes me want to kill myself just to leave it all behind.
It’s not that I am angry at the world. Far from it. I like the world, its landscapes and ever-changing facades, but not the people in it. I know, I know. Perhaps the latter came out rather strong but that is usually the first thing that comes to mind whenever I try to describe what I have been feeling inside. I have been asked time and time again if I am a misanthrope but I also hate that term. I think it is a rather extreme term and somehow boxed me in and what I am feeling. I think, just like most human emotions, my hatred is rather fluid and dynamic. It has a range and more often than not, I am apathetic to everyone. Besides, I don’t necessarily avoid human society. I mostly enjoy the ‘society’ but I can definitely pinpoint what should be eradicated, removed and/or added only in a small dose in order for it to be palatable for myself.
For the most part, I like kind and calm people. They seem so innocent, so angelic, almost not a part of this world. Although intrigued, I refuse to mingle with them because I don’t want them to be ‘stained’ or ‘corrupted’ by whatever ‘worldly’ vibes that I would exude. So, just like a sensible person, I try to just stay in the background and admire those from a distance. It’s also a good thing for me because you should never, and I am saying NEVER again for emphasis, meet your heroes. It will just ruin the image that I have of them. BUT, if I was given the opportunity to be inside their sphere of existence, I would definitely take pleasure in it to the fullest. I’ve met several of these gems and I would say that those were my starstruck moments still.
I like the highly intellectuals too. These are the most fun to hangout with, especially those with no airs on them. I indulge in the titillating conversations, the witty banters and this energy that although they know that they are freaking smart, they are also demure and very much down to earth. The world would be a better place if these people are ruling it.
As for the kind of people that I don’t like, I think it’s not that simple now that I think about it. I don’t believe that there are inherently ‘bad’ people because there seems to be two types of that. I also think that there is another group that seems to be in a gray-area because you don’t know what to do with them and their stands and beliefs. I know it’s not really cool to categorize people since there are a lot of variables to consider when one is faced with a decision or a choice and all of us have varying convictions and stances and surprisingly, morals, when we are looking at situations and/or the result of the said choice. Given the former, I still think that there are people (1) who choose to be bad (make bad choices just to save face, pretend that they know things for their vanities, doing things just because and in order to show people that they are in-charge, those who exploit and take advantage of people freely and deliberately, those who treat others with disdain, etc.) and those (2) who are unaware that they are being a dumbass and hurting other people because of their actions. The latter is forgivable because it’s no one’s job to make everyone happy and there is always gonna be a party that will get hurt at the end of the day. Those who belong to the first type are abominable and would probably suffer in the fires of hell if that exists.
And for some annoying reason, I’ve been encountering the ‘bad’ people more frequently than I want to. Those who exploit and take advantage and those that pretend that they are smarter than they actually are for their vanities to be precise. Of course those who belonged to the last-mentioned have a range from ‘just annoying’ to ‘deadly’ depending on the situation (it can be just a friend that keeps on insisting that her reasonings are right which leads to poor decision-making for others to people choosing to sail even though there is an overcast in the news). The first one though? Simply despicable. Entitled people think that just because they have money, they can own a person.
As for myself? I think for the most part I belonged to the ‘gray group’. I am mostly apathetic, riding on the flow sometimes and thinking for myself. I have convictions, strong opinions and stances but I choose to just seeth inside. I would just simply leave if the situation doesn’t suit me or my interest. I refuse to die on any hill unless it can impact my life significantly. Most things in this life, if not all, don’t really matter. You can just simply walk out of everything, people included, when it’s not susceptible to your growth, development and happiness anymore. There are not a lot of things in this life that are worth pursuing, truth be told.
