I don’t know how to explain what I’ve been feeling lately. The last few weeks were definitely stressful and suffocating that I didn’t have the time to write purposefully at all.
My thoughts were comparable to a cluttered room where one can’t easily make sense of. There was seemingly too much to do with so little time or maybe just enough time with a lot of things to do in mind. Either way, it wasn’t really the most ideal situation for me. As a planner, and a self-proclaimed efficient one at that, I noticed how ‘hurt’ my brain has been through everything that I’ve experienced. Nothing seemed to fall in place. The plans scheduled never materialized and timelines were definitely missed. Within me, I felt this gnawing sense of resentment and discontent. To whom or to what is not even a question to have since I know for a fact that there was nothing to direct these negative emotions to. It’s just how it is and I have learned to accept the circumstances I have been in and accept whatever the results or consequences are.
There were nights when I felt like a child that was so afraid and lost in a big and scary world. Everything felt so uncertain, frightful and foreign all of a sudden and I found myself gasping and whimpering. The confusion and insecurities made me restless and it felt as if there was no end in sight. I usually just ended up hugging and crying myself to sleep as I tried to navigate and process all the fears and anxieties I was having. The decades of experience that I have living in this world seemed so insignificant and useless. I was somehow helpless.
I guess this is the human experience. Sometimes, you just have to go through things and brave it all the way through until the ‘grand scheme’ reveals itself. On the daily, if I am going to be honest, I just try to gaslight myself to see things through. I try to make myself believe that everything will get better even if I don’t have the complete confidence that this is the case. I guess you just have to believe because after all, it has definitely gotten better for me.
No lessons here or whatsoever. Just utter rawness.
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