[Life Blog] Update on my Application

 Okay.

So, I did not get in.

Well, I just did not get the scholarship but I got an academic acceptance. Still feels the same though because without the scholarship, I wouldn't be able to get there even after working for 10-15 years or so.

Of course, the announcement was met with disappointment and tears were shed. I think that was just a normal reaction when you really put all your expectation towards something. On the other hand, what's really funny was me stressing out on my possible thesis if I ever got it days before the announcement of results. I was really unprepared and all in all, I had a motivation that is not aligned with the program. For the most part, I was uninformed. My focus was only on one thing, forgetting the other important factor.

It was a truly humbling experience, not gonna lie. I also kinda expected that I wouldn't be able to get it because of my wrong priorities during that time that I submitted it. But, this is just a minor setback, of course, I will rise again from this experience. This is truly not soul crushing, rather, it just gives me more determination to strive harder to achieve my dreams. I know that I am meant for something great and it doesn't matter how long I would get it as long as I am working for it.

I am also indebted and grateful for all the people who helped me along the way. I've met some people who did not hesitate to help and cheer for me, even inspiring me and telling me about failures then the eventual success stories. There are at least 6-7 people who I contacted and gladly offered their support and help. I honestly want to make them proud in the next round. 

I also realized more how I am lucky to be with my boyfriend, he's such a sweetheart. He's so caring and acts as my primary support system in all of my struggles. I sometimes feel that I don't deserve him and whenever I would tell him that, he would just say that I don't get to decide who he deserves to be with nor who's deserving of his love. Haha.

So, for now, I'm just gonna prepare for the next submission. I can't wait to learn new things and explore my profession. It will definitely payoff.

Ciao.

[Life Blog] APRIL, please, be kind to me!

 Okay.

April is almost here and my God, I am really getting anxious. I can't wait for it to come and to be over at the same time.

I am really hoping that I would be hearing some good news really soon. OMG!

Bye.

[Life Blog] The Waiting and How I am Getting Anxious

 Okay.

As of now, I can't say what I am actually waiting for but man, I am anxious to know the result. I am having this habit of counting down the days (it's now between 6 days the earliest to 20 days the latest) before everything is 'revealed'. My future depends on this thing that I am waiting for and I am trying to manifest this shit out. 

I feel like, with all of the things that I am going through right now, I deserve IT. With my professional background, I am aligned to this cause. Although one of my 'credential' is not that sterling to say the least, the letter that I submitted and my references are a-okay. Every time I feel so nervous about the uncertainty of the thing that I am waiting for, I always read my motivation letter for it. I try to remember how much I want it and why I deserve it. I try to look back why I've chosen to apply for it.

In reality, I greatly admire and strongly feel for the cause. It is something that I envisioned for myself: not just developing and learning things to earn money but actually making a difference for the society and for the good of the environment. I greatly believe that I am here in this world to do something worthwhile, a noble purpose if I might add. I'm not just here to exist and work for something that I don't believe in so that I can put a roof over my head and have something to put on the table.

I am rambling, just like always. But I can't help it because I am really anxious about this. I really want it so bad and I know that if I do get it, I will do good and excel. This would also mean a lot of things to my resume and LIFE IN GENERAL as it would get me closer to achieving a higher education. I would really want to get an MSc and a PhD but those things cost a lot of money. Coming from a low income household, with both parents not being able to get a college degree and with people around me (even relatives, mind you!) betting that I won't be able to get a degree because we're poor, there's a really strong pressure inside me to keep beating the odds. I've done it once when I finished my bachelor's in Geology and twice when I passed the board exam with just one take. I want to add to this 'list'. I want to make something out of my life despite what others has been telling me since the very beginning and step on all the rude and unkind prophecies. I exist to succeed and that's what I'm gonna do.

Reading what I've written here, it surprises me somehow that I can be positive. The constant negative comments from people around me really affected my self esteem but I really need to move past that.

Phew. Writing because I am nervous is really something. I have to take a shower now.

[Life Blog] The Art of Selling My Things and More

Okay.

Living in a small room and not an apartment for myself means that I should only keep only a certain number of things. I wouldn't say that I am a hoarder or that I have a really big problem when it comes to buying and keeping things but it is really annoying for me to have tons of stuff lying around in my room.

Since the quarantine, I've been cleaning and cleaning more in my room. I've already sold a couple of stuff that I barely use; notable are the guitar that I stopped playing because my landlady kept on coming to my room when I play it, my tablet that I only used for watching YouTube videos because it has a big screen and the bags that my boyfriend told me to not buy in the first place. I have tons of things that I want to get rid as soon as possible but I don't know yet how.

I was probably an impulse buyer last year because I was bored to death. I keep on buying clothes and painting and drawing materials. The clothes were bought because I was losing a lot of weight last year and I feel like I was already a little bit sexy. A dumb move but I am still a girl deep inside. As for the drawing materials, I was trying really hard to reignite my passion for it again. I have always been an artsy person but also kinda lazy so you get the problem with that. Also sold some of my clothes as well. They are brand new and I sold them for almost half their original prices.

The worst purchase I've done last year was my start-up earring business 'box'. These earrings and everything that I bought for this business venture cost me around P10,000.00. I sold a couple of them already but it's still not that much since I found out, again, that I'm lazy. Haha. If someone's reading this, you can check the instagram account that I created for this 'brand'. It's really hard to promote things and I am not one to spend lots of money for promotion of my brand.

Right now, I have a listing of things that I want to sell on a dummy Facebook account. I don't have my own since I don't really need it socially and the dummy account is okay for selling anyways. I've already sold my dumbbells, 2 pcs and 2lbs each for almost 60% off their original price. Did not even used that at all. Most of the bags were already sold and some of the clothes are for pick up this Monday. I would probably do some more cleaning and sell out brand new stuff that I haven't even touched yet since I bought them.

I am also looking forward for my loooooong break this holy week so that I can pick up some geology books to create reviewers. I really miss doing that.

Anyway, enough of this. I'm going back to my game.

[Life Blog] Job Hunting is Hell

 Okay.

I guess I just have to put that title as an exaggerated observation even when I don't really think that that's the case for real. Sure, it can be difficult sometimes but I feel like for the most part, I am being very picky.

Let's just say that I am looking for jobs OUTSIDE of the Philippines and of course, that would be extra difficult especially if you have no money or even that fucking UMID. Me being hired almost immediately after graduation, then just changing jobs just after losing the last one less than a week before made me so incapable of applying rigorously. I feel like it has been served to me quite easy. Sure, the job that I got were not really that good but unlike others, I did not actually have to wait on for months to get a new one.

But I am getting tired of this. I just want to get a job that I actually would love and enjoy. Something I can be passionate about. I just don't want to dive in to the next 'best thing' there is. I want to heightened my standards because I am now seeing the results of my poor choices back then. I chose to be comfortable and lazy so here I am, unhappy and at my wit's end.

I want to be a part of an organization that actually makes a difference, something that change the world. It would be environment-related, with coworkers sharing the same mindset of protecting the earth as much as we can and being chill and peaceful in every aspect of the job. Haha. I can work on an NGO, it doesn't really matter if it's not offering a lot of money but seriously, I want to use my degree and my knowledge for the common good.

I am really tired of existing and working just for money. Fuck this shit.

[Life Blog] Office Chronicles: When the Boss is Breathing Down Your Neck

 Okay.

I feel like, with my current relationships, my work and my other hobbies (such as playing Time Princess lately), there's really no good time to write everything that is on my mind or to even pursue some of the things that I actually enjoy doing.

The micromanagement at work is getting too overwhelming. Just earlier today at the morning meeting, the asshole VP asked who wanted to have a refresher of the training that he did for management last month. Sure, it has already been a month but there's no point of having a refresher when you barely even practice the things you've learned before (and honestly, I haven't really learned anything new in there. He just copied sentences from Google then gave some really sarcastic and subjective examples). Also, what really irks me off is the fact that he asked us to raise our hands if we wanted the refresher. The first time, there were only three people who raised their hands (yes, you are right, the sucks up; we refer to them as the Dream Team). Since the VP was not getting his wanted response, he keeps repeating the question again until there were 5 people who actually raised their hands. Five out of 13. In the end, he just decided that he's not able to see if we're not raising our hands so we're just gonna do the refresher anyway. Even in the office, there is no democracy. 

I know, I feel like I am complaining a lot. There's really nothing good happening in this fucking sad office and I hate that everything that I am doing is being questioned all the time. They are making me feel as if I am not doing anything, that I am very relax when I can't even sleep at night worrying about my deadlines because of a power tripper who keeps on returning my documents with minimal comments. Even the way we are writing emails are being manage right now, even the uploading of the documents on our SharePoint. It's getting annoying since they are breathing down on my neck.

I mean, I get it, the VP is probably feeling that he has no control anymore on what's happening right now. That's probably the reason why he's trying to control anything that he can. I will give him that. But at the same time, he shouldn't really antagonize the people who are willing to stand by him, to make everything easier for him. What he's doing right now is just making me feel tired and so disconnected to him. I don't feel any sympathy anymore, no feeling at all of wanting to assist him because he's just being an asshole. 

In everything, I always ensure that I do the best thing that I can. Not because I am a showoff but I feel like my identity lies on my work ethics and my ability to finish things and to 'come through' when times are tough or workloads seem overbearing. This is different though. I am psychologically tormented and mentally exhausted because of all the stupid little things he's trying to impose on us. The favoritism as well is getting into me. I feel like casually telling your employees that the Dream Team is the foundation of your workforce is fucking stupid when everyone knows that these people don't know shit.

The girl is a glorified secretary. She can't even talk to people formally, patiently and respectfully but she was transferred into another unit to 'lead' and 'herd' the people there. She even said that she was put there to 'control' the people there. Like, dude, you don't even know about the things that these people do. Calm the fuck down.

The guy, who is an EM by profession, is probably one of the biggest assholes I've ever met in my life. Credit grabbing is his thing. I once had an experience with him wherein I made all of the maps but he just casually say in the meeting that he did it himself. Don't worry, I did not laughed at that because I am bigger that that. Haha. This person held a lot of 'managerial' positions but every single time, it keeps on being dissolved since he doesn't know shit. He was hired in the company because a relative of his knows the VP. Now you'll get why despite of all his incompetency (managing clients, after sales, technical support, financial modelling and etc), he is still here.

This guy, who's basically having an affair with the secretary, is the laziest among the three. He's an IE by profession, managing all our documents but...oh well, he doesn't do shit. He even asks us all the time to upload our documents on the drive when that's basically his job, that's the only thing he's doing and supposed to be doing. When we were still doing the office reporting, I always see this guy reading mangas at work, casually going out to get coffee and doughnuts with the VP, attending meetings and shit ..that's basically his day. To think that this guy is earning around ~70k is beyond me because he's not really doing anything at all except to be always at the beck and call of the VP. That's it.

As for the VP, I hope he changes his ways because it's sayang. I know that I am getting on his nerves because I am resisting so much to his fucking way, even casually saying on meetings that, "Don't be stupid. Don't use italic words on emails because that's only for foreign words." I know that was for me because I am the only one doing that but MY FUCKING DUDE, it's known in the community that for it to be not that harsh, you italized your words instead of fucking underlining or bolding that shit. That's softer but still putting a noticeable emphasis on the word. I also really hate it when he speaks and as if he's the only one who knows a lot of stuff because of his experience. Typical boomer move, imo. Sure, there are things that come from experience but as far as I know, if that generation knows a lot more better things than us, we wouldn't be experiencing all the shittiness we're having right now. 

The VP for the most part should recognized the he's probably doing a lot of mistakes with his management style when every company he joins in and lead closes down. That's probably one sign he should look at. He should also take into consideration how there's a lot of negative feedback about him and how there are a lot of people who hates him and doesn't look back anymore being under him. He should learn humility and just try to be a good person. He can really try this.

Anyway, getting really hungry. Times are really tough lately. Ugh.

[Life Blog] Driving: You Need it!

 Okay.

I don't have a car and if I am being honest, I feel like I won't afford to have one even in the foreseeable future. Despite this, I feel like having a license and being able to actually drive properly is an asset for any grown-ass person nowadays.

Not gonna lie, I sometimes see job postings now which requires people to have a driving license and with this, if you're not able to drive, you can be robbed off with the chance of attaining your dream job. 

Anyway, I'm just writing in order to share some reviewers for the TDC in here. I will have three classes for this and not gonna lie, I've looked into some of its 'reviewers' and I am really surprised by the fact that there's still so much to learn about traffic signs despite me basically seeing it every single day.

I just hope that I won't be a negligent driver in the future. I am always afraid of losing my life (or taking away someone else's as well) because of my irresponsibility and errors. Kinda morbid but I don't want that. That's just stupid.

Anyways, here are the reviewers. Might be uploading more later.

Traffic Signs

Professional License Reviewer

Non-Professional License Reviewer

[Life Blog] Teeth and Braces

Okay.

I finally got my braces when the year started. I gave in (again, finally!) to the pressure of having a better smile. My teeth are not that bad but it's not as good as those of my family members. I've not been teased about it when I was younger but still, I think I would be more confident to smile brighter if they are fix.

I am just writing this because of how amaze I am to see the changes in under two months. I already got one of my teeth extracted on the upper jaw and I am seeing how my teeth are slowly moving. The tooth beside my canine (first premolar according to the photo below) on the right side was removed last Friday, March 12, and now I am already seeing (and feeling) a noticeable gap between my canine and the lateral incisor.

As for the teeth on my lower jaw, I don't know if my dentist (which is an aunt as well) would extract teeth in there because she's still have to remove another tooth on the left upper jaw(the first premolar there) next month. I am also already noticing though that a tooth on the left which is slightly slanting is already a little bit 'standing' up.

Sure, it's painful. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. But it's like a dull pain that's always there and you'll learn to get used to it. Not gonna lie, I thought I would not be able to eat properly for like a week or so but, newsflash, I was still able to do so. I happened to ate a lot just after two days of it being 'installed'. It's just a little bit of challenging but I think me slowly eating my food is also another good experience for me. I am now able to enjoy it and not eat it all at once. Haha.

Right now, I am just having a hard time chewing on the right side because my canine tooth is being pulled towards my second premolar. There's a pulling pressure there all the time and I am quite paranoid that these two will just break at some point, if I chew hard enough.

I chose this. I have to live with the pain. Haha. But I know it's gonna be worth it.

Tschuss. 

[Life Blog] Office Chronicles: Toxic Workplace

It's been quite a while since the last time I wrote in here. Not gonna lie, times are tough and with the number of cases rising again, I feel like an eventual lockdown will happen in the very near future.

In my current workplace, in just a span of 6 months, I've seen a lot of people leave the company behind and finally breathing and living a much more relaxing life. I've seen brilliant men leave the company before even realizing their full potential just because of a micromanager and a couple of his heartless henchmen. I've seen a couple of people who had some serious breakdown and some who just decided to stop caring. A good friend of mine also left just recently and I feel a pang of sadness deep within me. I am of course happy for him but I feel like our friendship is one of the reason I am still able to face the daily challenges of this job.

Of course, I am looking for a new job. I won't say that I am very active on the job market right now but I send out application left and right, maybe not as frequent as I like. To tell you honestly, I am still waiting for something to happen between April 1-15 or later. I am waiting for a very important result, the reason why I can't just quit and move on from this.

It is a struggle. Daily, I have to muster all the strength within me to attend even the daily meetings at 8am. I don't see any reason for it, to have a daily follow-up meeting when we don't even have updates on the daily (since I am on permitting). It's just too tiresome that every hour seems to be monitored at all time, a thing that I don't appreciate since I am someone who really do my job properly. It feels like they don't trust me and that's really lowering my morale.

Most recently, I had to talk twice to our HR representative since I felt attacked by the highest person in my current team. Can you imagine? He wants me to act like the overall supervisor of my team, to claim all responsibilities and failures, to face repercussions of unmet deadlines and to answer to all the intradepartmental issues even WITHOUT a proper appointment and monetary compensation. I feel so lost in all of these since his audacity really surprised me; to just assumed that I would take the responsibility just because he said so.

I made clear to our HR that I am not happy with these and I feel like it is stupid to just say to someone, "I don't have many horses in the stable. I need you to do this," even without the proper instructions and again, the proper pay. I mean, I don't really work JUST for money but I am being paid peanuts here, I am on forced leave during Fridays (but they expect me as well to reply to them at all times, even threatening us that if he calls us, we should respond, no matter what time it is). Sure, he's my boss but that only accounts for my 7-6:30 pm job from Mondays to Fridays (I do a 48-hour shift, weekly). He doesn't own my life. Periodt.

Because of my refusal against his wishes and me going to the HR for my concerns (who talked to him), I am hearing that they plan to dissolve my unit. I actually don't mind. My unit is so shitty anyways since I have to picked up the sloppy works of the previous permitting team. My Senior Ops Manager, (who also resigned, btw), told me that they planned to transfer me to another unit because apparently, I have no ambitions or whatsoever to lead the team. AGAIN, I can and I would if you pay me the right price.

It's bad enough that this company pays useless people huge amounts of money but refuses to compensate those who actually do the job. I have two officemates who basically do nothing but both of their salaries are between 50-70k and I have this another officemate who just casually turnover job after another job to our Projects Team just because she feels like they can deal with the customer better. Oh, I forgot to mention, they are the After-Service Team. That's basically their job, to deal with the clients after the Project is done.

I am really hoping for a positive result for the thing that I am currently waiting. I feel like I have a fat chance of getting this and I am really manifesting that I am getting it already. My boyfriend already heard his. He's doing some internship in India for three months between September to December. I hope that I'll get mine as well.

I am calling out to the universe right now. Manifesting this shit out.

Peace y'all.