I’ve been contemplating about my life lately in silence. Feeling both joy and pain in privacy gives me the satisfaction that I didn’t even know that I crave for beforehand. This is a bit of unfamiliar territory for me, you see. I know that I wanted to keep my business to myself and maybe share some of it to those people that are very dear to me but before, I feel like I have to show some aspects of my life in order for people to see that I am successful, happy and/or thriving. I have to do something in order to prove that I am breathing and still alive.
But that’s the thing; I am alive and well whether people can see it or not, whether they believe it or not. All the overflowing emotions that I experience daily matters even though not a lot of people feel it nor share it. The thoughts that come to me during my walks or just by doing some menial tasks are real even if they are not put into words, written or published. My existence is undeniably real. This realization is one of the things that makes me feel freer than ever.
Lately, I can feel more and more in control of my life. Although most of the time I feel like I am bored, which I partly blame to the fact that I am not “challenged” enough these days, I can honestly say that I am content with this. I feel like everything is kinda balancing itself and things are falling into its proper place. My emotions, although felt sincerely and deeply, are controlled and managed. My expectations are rather realistic and most importantly, my desires are checked and honest. A lot of things really changed once I tried to align myself and figure out who I am and what I realistically could be.
Most people aimed for the highest of the highest ambitions for themselves. Theoretically, there’s nothing wrong with this. It’s nice to have a goal. But more often than not, we allow ourselves to be quite obsessive with these lofty goals that we failed to see that there are a lot of factors that we couldn’t and even can’t control. Then when we fail to achieve our desires, we blame ourselves. As if we are the only thing in the equation that can make things happen. As if everything is on us when in reality, that is not always the case.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t strive nor dream. We should still consider and look into tons of possibilities and opportunities that are available for us. Being realistic though gives us the edge to cross out outrageous ideas and helps us to take a step back and look into stuff objectively. As an example, something happened to me recently that made me feel, well, too much. I felt like I was so giddy, quite happy and made me look into the situation promisingly. Those were all positive emotions, true, and I let myself soak all of it. But I was probably well-trained now at this point by Stoicism that after a while, I can hear something within me, telling me to dial down the excitement a notch. And that was sensible. I was already getting ahead of myself without realizing it and it was nice to be brought back to where my feet should be. The feeling of being on ‘Cloud 9’ is all good but it’s not sustainable. It always leads to disappointment after every fix you have.
There are not a lot of things you can control in your life for sure. So whatever it is that you can do, you should exploit it as best as you are able to.
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