[Ramblings] Manifesting "You"

I've been seriously going back and forth with the whole concept of Manifesting, this whole "putting it out to the universe" thing. I like to say that I don't believe it but there's just so much stuff in this world that I couldn't really prove at all, that I don't know about and that I don't completely understand. There is a great possibility that this could be one of those things so I might just as well try it.

It's amusing to write about this here but there is no way I would be able to find this when I finally need the wisdom of "after-22.00-me". Resurrecting this from the multiple journals and scribblings that I keep would be tedious when the time comes so I am publishing this here. (Also, I am cheating a bit here because I am editing it the next morning after I’ve written most of the body. This feels like a thin watery soup and I don’t like that. I think I will never have the confidence of Nietzsche when it comes to writing.)

This is me now after rewriting some parts of this piece

More and more, I've been thinking about "you", the man that I would be devoted to when the time finally comes for us. I'm a bit skeptical if you even exist but hey, this is a "manifestation" so I have to begin with the premise that you do exist. I think I might have to explain myself a bit here. I am mostly indifferent to your existence and this is mostly because of my current philosophy. I think I am capable of being fulfilled and content without a life partner since I can spend my days toiling and thinking, exploring my seemingly unquenchable thirst for adventure and knowledge. There are too many things I can do that would fill my days. Unfortunately for me, there is my subconscious too. I think that this part of myself that has been left in the dark and not being nurtured wants to partner up. It craves to commune with someone, to witness another’s life until it ceases to exist. And if I have to believe Carl Jung, I have to cater to its whims as well because otherwise, I will forever have this internal struggle that I am experiencing right now. I have this great desire to be left alone but at the same time, there is this nudge within me that pushes me to connect with someone. With great fear and anxiety, I’m trying to listen to the inner turmoil. The needs and wants should be equally fulfilled. Truly, the most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. 

Me dealing with my subconscious

I don't really care what you look like because I think I would learn to love every attribute of your face. Every facet, no matter how unremarkable they are to you, would be cherished, lol. As a frustrated portraitist, this is to be expected from me. I will always find you cute and handsome, adorable even, no matter how you feel or think that you look like. I'm probably always gonna boost your ego and self-confidence as I will always remind you how good-looking you are. I rarely look at physical attributes anyway. To me, everyone is beautiful. Ugliness comes only within the territory of wickedness. I only decide that a person is ugly once they have shown me how morally despicable they are. I barely judge people nowadays anyway and I’ve learned that I am as blemished as the next person so one really has to be very bad for me to categorize one as ‘ugly’.  

For the most part, I think what makes you so attractive to me is your general attitude and disposition in life. You are confident, reliable, smart and genuine. You are also funny, barely take everything so seriously and you try to see things as they are. Oh, and you listen to me and take into consideration how I feel. (I really have to add this, lol.) You try to genuinely connect with me, exchange stories about your day or just randomly share stuff that you see online. I expect that we would have ‘harmony’ but not in the ways that books and tv shows depict it. As a realistic person, there would definitely be struggles when it comes to our personalities, some clashes in our outlooks and opinions but we compromise as much as we can. This ‘harmony’ would only be possible if we share important values anyway (eg. both of us abhor infidelity, we see eye to eye when it comes to morality, parenthood, etc.) We move with the rigors in life with joy and patience and are quite flexible if need be. 

But I think you're gonna be mostly funny.

I think we would be great friends first. Probably one of those slow-burn kindling. Knowing who I am right now, I would definitely opt for this. We might not have the initial exploding emotions that are both thrilling and exciting (but quite unsustainable in the long run, for real, for real,) but we'll make it up with constancy and deep emotions that are rooted from our initial friendship. We genuinely like each other as a person and not just what we can offer as a partner in a relationship. We'll have each other's back and there's just this peace and calming effect whenever we're around each other. 

Just like Ross and Joey in this episode of Friends.

Gone are the tumultuous desires and passions of youth, lol! I’m not saying that it’s not gonna be passionate and desirous but again, it’s not the same as how Hollywood portrays it. The reason why I think fireworks and butterflies never always work is because once the honeymoon phase is over, we look for another high. We are going to crave and crave for the overwhelming emotions that we had during the first days, when everything is peachy and we’re looking at love with rose-tinted glasses. Once reality hits, we grow to resent the other person as they no longer seem to be perfect. One by one, all the adorable characteristics we liked before annoyed us. And since there is no deep friendship established, only attractions that are as fleeting and ever changing as our emotions, we begin to look for someone else that can give us the high again. 

I can't stress this out hard enough

I think as we get older, our understanding of all the concepts relating to love changes. I don’t think it’s because we become boring, rather, we sorta mellow. We become generally wiser, less confused with what we want and what we don’t want and most importantly, we already figure out ourselves (probably not completely all at once since we are dynamic beings. We change and grow until we perish.) The harshness of life and circumstances tone us down and although we get to keep some vestige of our inner child, we long to be in the company of a gentle and still love. The feeling is like coming home, where all your worries seem to soften, if not fade. It’s like the first breeze on a beautiful summer day. I’ve read somewhere that it’s like being with someone who calms and tempers your heart, like a balm to the aches of the world. I guess we seem to forget that passion can also come in a soft and sweet way. That high intensity is almost always not desired. The ocean is beautiful in all the seasons but it is in its loveliest when it is calm and serene.

With you, it will not be THAT confusing because you’ll help me get past the things that bothers  and frightens me. Communication would be our best suit and we’ll try to understand each other as much as we can. I think you will see through me and how afraid I truly am despite the stoic exterior. Although I am self-reliant, you will not hesitate to comfort me and assure me that everything is going to be alright. That my fears, although valid, are sometimes confounded. I think you reassuring me from time to time amazes me even if I don’t ask for it. You probably have a deep understanding of our emotional needs as human beings. I guess you’re into philosophy and psychology as well or if not, you at least have the working understanding of it. 

I'm definitely Caterpie

Writing this is such a palette cleanser as I am currently reading The Monk by Matthew Lewis. If you know, you know, lol. This was such a nice manifestation sesh (done in two sittings, lol). 

[Ramblings] Holding Back

And there I was, catching myself holding back.

Holding back before the jump

All throughout the collective interaction, there were multiple times wherein I was holding my breath, trying to figure out whether the fear and anxiety made sense. Always second-guessing, always doubting. There was this great desire to pull myself away, to run on the other side and hide myself. Everything that could go wrong flashed before my eyes. Thanks to whatever is out there, I was able to catch myself in those moments of weakness.

It wasn’t even because of the fear of ‘having’. I think I want to ‘have’ but the idea of ‘having’ and then ‘working’ are so far-fetched in my imaginations that it makes me uncomfortable. The idea of ‘working’ is still an unfamiliar territory for me and I haven’t really given it much thought. Logically, I can see it as something benign to my existence. I can coexist with it without too many adjustments and it can be good too for my character development. Emotionally, on the other hand, might be a different story. It’s a bit unsettling, worrisome and possibly cancerous. But then again, things we don’t know usually bring so much fear. It’s not because we are weak and unimaginative. The unknown is just mind-bogglingly daunting.

Evidently enough, we are only taught about the ‘having’ and how the concept of it makes us whole somehow. Apparently, it can give a sense of purpose, more joy and more satisfaction. I, for one, don’t necessarily believe this. I believe that I am capable of not ‘having’ but I also don’t shun the idea of it. It probably can bring nuances that can better my life in general but I am content with who I am and what I have regardless. Even with societal pressures, it’s not really something that bothers me. I guess we can say that I am indifferent towards it most of the time.

BUT since most of us try to fit in within the set ‘standards’, not ‘having’ makes you an oddity even when you’re perfectly fine with it. Meanwhile, the literature regarding ‘working’ is obviously scarce and even people we admire due to their maturity and wisdom have varying opinions about it. They focus too much about the concept of ‘keeping’ when we can’t possibly do that in this life. There is no way for things to last in this temporary world. The only thing that matters at the end of the day, and unfortunately for us because it’s quite elusive, is the notion of ‘working’.

It doesn’t help that I found out that I am a resilient optimist by virtue. I am still so mad about that. For such a long time I fronted as a dejected pessimist only for me to be crushed into acceptance that even the tiniest glimmer of hope keeps me alive. Every seed I have, no matter how futile it seems, I water. There is no such thing as attention and love wasted. And so this is where I am stuck; this limbo of hope and despair. ‘Working’ is apparently associated with both emotions as far as I am concerned. Both keep you grounded and adjusted and more importantly, realistic.

Despair aside, I am trying to embrace the present without (or as little with) this crippling anxiety. I am happy about all the seemingly mundane and casual things I am experiencing. I try to capture and embed in my memory the trivialities that make me smile and make my heart flutter. It’s getting more and more easier to accept the peace and disengage with the negative thoughts. It’s as if I am on the verge of ‘working’. 

[Philosophical Ramblings] Control and Changes

I’ve been contemplating about my life lately in silence. Feeling both joy and pain in privacy gives me the satisfaction that I didn’t even know that I crave for beforehand. This is a bit of unfamiliar territory for me, you see. I know that I wanted to keep my business to myself and maybe share some of it to those people that are very dear to me but before, I feel like I have to show some aspects of my life in order for people to see that I am successful, happy and/or thriving. I have to do something in order to prove that I am breathing and still alive.

But that’s the thing; I am alive and well whether people can see it or not, whether they believe it or not. All the overflowing emotions that I experience daily matters even though not a lot of people feel it nor share it. The thoughts that come to me during my walks or just by doing some menial tasks are real even if they are not put into words, written or published. My existence is undeniably real. This realization is one of the things that makes me feel freer than ever. 

Lately, I can feel more and more in control of my life. Although most of the time I feel like I am bored, which I partly blame to the fact that I am not “challenged” enough these days, I can honestly say that I am content with this. I feel like everything is kinda balancing itself and things are falling into its proper place. My emotions, although felt sincerely and deeply, are controlled and managed. My expectations are rather realistic and most importantly, my desires are checked and honest. A lot of things really changed once I tried to align myself and figure out who I am and what I realistically could be.

Most people aimed for the highest of the highest ambitions for themselves. Theoretically, there’s nothing wrong with this. It’s nice to have a goal. But more often than not, we allow ourselves to be quite obsessive with these lofty goals that we failed to see that there are a lot of factors that we couldn’t and even can’t control. Then when we fail to achieve our desires, we blame ourselves. As if we are the only thing in the equation that can make things happen. As if everything is on us when in reality, that is not always the case. 

Of course, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t strive nor dream. We should still consider and look into tons of possibilities and opportunities that are available for us. Being realistic though gives us the edge to cross out outrageous ideas and helps us to take a step back and look into stuff objectively. As an example, something happened to me recently that made me feel, well, too much. I felt like I was so giddy, quite happy and made me look into the situation promisingly. Those were all positive emotions, true, and I let myself soak all of it. But I was probably well-trained now at this point by Stoicism that after a while, I can hear something within me, telling me to dial down the excitement a notch. And that was sensible. I was already getting ahead of myself without realizing it and it was nice to be brought back to where my feet should be. The feeling of being on ‘Cloud 9’ is all good but it’s not sustainable. It always leads to disappointment after every fix you have. 

There are not a lot of things you can control in your life for sure. So whatever it is that you can do, you should exploit it as best as you are able to.

[Writings] Chapter 1

Working Title: Blanche

Some explanation at the bottom.

Velvety and fine off white muslin canopy drape. By now, she believed that she already memorized how the crinkles of the cloth run. Yellow cords with little tassels carefully tie the canopy on both sides of the bed and she believes that the edges were decorated with imitation gold fringes. It wasn’t the softest fabric, she knows because she touched it the first time she saw it, but for an English middle class family, it is an indulgence. Every single morning it was the same view before her eyes and unfortunately for her, every single morning it is the same “her” in bed.

“It is rather concerning,” she overheard Mrs. Dennings at the foot of her bed.

“I think we should give her more time. It’s been only, what? Almost 5 weeks, right?” said Mrs. Zacharias, her mother. “This is a terribly trying time for her. You of all people know how it is to lose a husband.”

“Mrs. Zacharias!” exclaimed her mother-in-law. “I lost my husband a good thirteen years ago! I think it is rather impertinent to point that out when I also just lost my son!” 

“I…I apologized, Mrs. Dennings. I didn’t know what I was saying,” she could hear her mother’s voice tremble. “I know you cared about my little Blanche but she has always been this way. She feels so deeply. It is not so easy. It is her first loss.”

“I do understand that but she is also pregnant. She needs to take care of herself. The doctor said that she needs to step out and soak whatever little sunlight we’re having these days. That is my grandchild we’re talking about.”

She closed her eyes and slowly moved her hand to touch her stomach. She tries to drown the concerned bickering of the two women. What has happened to her life? It was so promising only two months ago. Now, it has turned into a nightmare that she doesn’t know how to wake up from.

Seven months ago, she married a man she believed she would grow old with. Her friends were all gushing about the match as they said that it was rather ‘perfect’. All of them believed that they both had the same temperament and empathy; that no two people understand each other better than the two of them. Now she finds herself wondering if she really has to go on with life without his unique love and understanding.

Sure it was but a blissful short married life and yet, it meant the world for her. She has known Robert since she was five. They’ve grown together, studied together and dreamt together. Navigating life without him feels so surreal. It is so unfamiliar, strange and unsurprisingly empty. Her heart feels so cavernous and she doesn’t completely know how to fill this void. He has always been there as long as she can remember.

The first week without him was unbelievably difficult for her. She wasn’t able to get out of bed and she couldn’t keep anything that she ate. The latter was probably because of the pregnancy, the only reason she kept on trying to eat in the first place. But still, it was quite puzzling that she just couldn’t stop vomiting. It’s as if it was her body’s way of protesting as to why she has to keep on living while Robert is rotting in his grave. She really thought that they would die together when they’re both gray and old.

She bit her lower lip as she tried to stifle a sob. It is rather bittersweet whenever she thinks about her fate. On the one hand, her Robert will remain young and beautiful in her memories while on the other, well, he is gone. Her precious husband, the brilliant, unassuming, and promising Robert, was nothing in comparison to the common bout of cold that turned out to be consumption.

“The poor child is trembling.” 

She opened her eyes and saw Mrs. Dennings looked intently at her.

“Blanche, you need to take care of yourself for the babe.”

“And for Robert,” her mom timidly added next to her mother-in-law.

She closed her eyes once again. Hearing his name is still quite difficult for her.

“I will get up in a bit, ladies,” she said weakly. “I just feel a bit heady.”

“Would you do us a favor and drink your morning tea? It would certainly help with the nausea. We would leave you alone afterwards,” Mrs. Dennings coaxed.

“Surely, surely, we will,” her mom seconded.

“Yes, of course.”

She pushed herself to sit and downed the tea. It was Asam.

“Black would be fine for me next time, mother. No need to get the expensive one,” she politely whispered to her mother-in-law.

“But you keep on throwing up. Besides, the prices are not that bad. Our Mrs. Hugs is friendly with the storekeeper. He gives her the best deals.”

Her mother laughed, “Ah, your dear Mrs. Hugs. I wish our servants had such connections.”

Blanche sighed impatiently. Such an irritating remark and coming from her own mother. She is rather impatient and short these days. Everyone seems to be living their mundane life as they should be, gossiping and being busybodies, while she tries to make sense of hers. It is rather unfair, she claimed in her head.

“I would love to be in your company more, but I really need to lie down again,” she said.

She softly brought herself down to bed again and turned her back towards them. Blanche heard the two women sighed. Then she heard the rustle of their dresses and their light steps moving away from her bed. When she heard the door closed, she hugged herself and cried until she fell asleep.

“Darling, I am not quite sure yet but I think I am with child,” she told him while they were having dinner.

He looked at her, smiled sweetly and held her hand across the table, “That is welcomed news. As to why you’re not excited, that, to me, is rather surprising.”

“I am scared,” Blanche meekly admitted.

Robert sighed and held her hand tightly, “What can I do to make you feel a bit better? I can’t take away your fears but I could probably do something to lighten your concern.”

She couldn’t help but smile. Typical Robert.

“Well, I don’t know actually but what you have just said made my heart delighted. I appreciate that.”

He laughed heartily, “You are quite easy to please but you do know that if I can carry that child for you, I will do it.”

She covered her mouth to suppress a loud laugh, “Oh, Robert! What a mirth you are.”

“But you know I would do so if I can physiologically!” he said, now shaking in laughter.

“And what a sight it would be!” she exclaimed as she laughed with him.

And, she was back in reality once more. Same off white muslin canopy hanging above her and still no Robert.