[Journal] Love and Philosophy

 I daresay that I am inconspicuous when it comes to my emotions: whether in real life or here online. I would also say that even to myself, I wouldn’t admit how it truly is.

But lately, I’ve been plagued by a specific thought and that is “love”. I am not running away from the idea of it per se. I’m just, well, not willing to deal with it at the moment (question mark?). Even while writing this, I am cringing to the bones for some reason. I seriously don’t intend to be in a relationship AGAIN just mere three months after and I am not saying that I have someone in mind but maybe I do have one in mind (question mark?).

I mostly blame Camus and Dostoevsky for this. I thought immersing myself on reading and listening to tons of philosophical works would deviate my thoughts to something subjectively worthwhile for myself. Even most of Nietzsche’s works are grounded on the concept of love. Surprisingly, Marcus Aurelius, whether you believe me or not, encourages this emotion. Bruh, I am of the opinion that most philosophies are of love and it will take me a long time to explain why.

And so, while simultaneously reading and listening to The Plague by Camus and The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky respectively, I found myself having multiple realizations about love as a concept. It’s kinda funny and annoying at the same time. I am actually preparing a separate post about this so I think I would discuss the “realizations” there instead since this is more like an “expression” thing for myself and not some thoughtful musing for me. (By the way, I would recommend the translation of Robin Buss for The Plague and that of Constance Garnett for The Brothers Karamazov. These are well-written through and through and I can’t help but to fall in love with the English versions).

Anyway, as I was saying, I am feeling some kind of love (or maybe tenderness but yeah. Let’s call it love since I am writing about it) and I am very confused by it. I don’t think I am “in love” because it is not that exciting? Haha. I don’t have the reckless and restless emotions associated with it. I mean, I do think about them but not in that way. Of course, there is attraction of some sort but it is so unlike what I’ve felt before. It’s just nice and comforting. I can’t even say that I want more time from them or talking with them because I am content with the current state of things and I do like being with my own person; chilling and thinking. I don’t know if it’s because of my age or how I see things now after reading and ruminating over philosophical works but yeah, it’s just different. I am trying to not overwhelm myself with how the current society defines love. I don’t want something spasmodic or instant, rather I want something that takes time to build. Truly, in everything, time is our dear friend.

If there is one thing that would never fade away in a relationship between two people, that would be their friendship. Attraction and the feeling of love fade because our appearances and emotions also fade through time (or in the case of emotions, it changes from time to time) but friendship? That only gets deeper and sweeter through time.

Stolen from Instagram @astrowonders

So, what am I trying to say then? I guess it’s just that right now, I feel like I want to take care of someone. Am I gonna do anything about it? Probably not at this moment. I believe that if it’s for me, it will never pass me anyway so I’m just gonna leave it as it is. Do I want it to be acknowledged by the person? Honestly, I don’t care about that. As per the words of Goethe (who by the way is so notorious when it comes to the emotion of “love”),  “If I love you, what business is it of yours?”