[Journal] Joy In Suffering

As I delve more in more to the philosophical idea of “Amor fati” by Nietzsche, the glaring similitude of this statement to my all-time favorite bible verse of Romans 5:3-5 is blinding. As it stated:

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

I don’t write much about my faith or religion here because, well, it’s not the space for it. If I am going to be honest with you, I don’t subscribe to any religion at all even though I believe that there is something greater out there in the universe. For years, I’ve been questioning whether I believe in this higher form just to explain things that I can’t fathom. Our mere existence alone and the beauty and pain around us grind the gears in my head on a daily basis.

Everything that we don’t know is scary. Even the things that we do know are scary as well. Nothing is guaranteed despite our best efforts and through this, acceptance is one of the key virtues that one must have in order to conquer ourselves and the world. Acceptance is embracing things–whether it be people or circumstances, as it is. We open ourselves to what came and what is here and what has to come rather than wishing for something else. This in itself is already difficult but imagine taking it to the next level: doing so with joy and love. 

It is such a great undertaking to accept life’s painful circumstances with a smile on your face and an open and joyful heart. Truly, it’s a grueling and demanding feat of mental gymnastics. There are many things in my life that, even though I have come to terms with, still gives me a tightness in my chest. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, whether I am running or just casually preparing a meal, these thoughtful reminders of what I’ve lost and suffered from come. And of course, it hurts. My only consolation during such a situation is that as instantaneous as these thoughts come, they instantly go as well. That in itself is beautiful as from hereon, you can regulate the emotion that it has left you feeling and joyfully encapsulate the wisdom and/or perspective you got from it.

And what do we get from accepting our sufferings? Dostoevsky in his novel, The Brothers Karamazov, wrote, “It’s the greatest mystery of human life that old grief passes gradually into quiet tender joy.” This was so profound to me that I immediately stopped what I was doing and pondered on it. When it comes to pain, most of us would rather not face it but just lazily ignore it. We would rather entertain ourselves to forget the pangs of pain and turn away from our own despair. We would get drunk and take substances that promise immediate relief and forgetfulness only to be surprised the following day that it’s still there, made worse by headaches and hangovers. But suffering, more often than not, is a gateway to the growth and development of the human spirit. It gives us the strength to carry on with our lives no matter how dire it looks. Through fire, we are tested. All of our impurities will be removed. (This is a fun thought for me as a geologist because it’s also true in nature. Imagine all the processes the minerals have to go through in order to obtain their purest form). And realizing what you’ve gone through made you a better and stronger person impacts our lives in a different way.

The painstaking process of acceptance is made sweeter by having joy. If Nietzsche, the guy who said, “God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.”, was in a way agreeing to a certain bible verse, I think we all know what’s up. Painful life circumstances are hard enough but trying to go through these with lamentations, doubts and incessant whining will not take you anywhere. It will just burden you even more. What we can do, just like what the bible verse above stated, is to realize what great depths these sufferings contribute to our characters. Through this, we now know that we are enduring, resilient and strong people. Aren’t these enough reasons to be joyful about? 

Stoicism, alongside other great philosophical ideas (and bible verses if you believe), armors us through the hardships in life with utter curiosity and joyful acceptance. As I always say, you are of course allowed to feel but it is at your discretion to handle your emotions with strength and dignity. I hope today you’ll realize how your pain and suffering make you a better person all in all.

[Stoic Meditation] What We Should Know by the End

 “Soon you will die, and still you aren’t sincere, undisturbed, or free from suspicion that external things can harm you, nor are you gracious to all, knowing that wisdom and acting justly are one and the same.”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 4.37

Death is on my mind constantly. Not because I have a morbid curiosity over it but I understand that “later” is not as good as promised to us. I am trying to live my life sincerely and just pursuing things or activities that I think would give me the greatest satisfaction.

Just a short interjection, I’ve been claiming myself to be a hedonist but I am not bound by how defined pleasure and pain is. Seeking and enjoying pleasurable things are of course beneficial for my mental wellbeing and makes me happy but I also understand how painful life experiences can bring me to a new height of understanding and enlightenment. This is where Stoicism and all other philosophical concepts I am subscribing to come in. I try to tie everything up in a nice little bow in order for me to achieve my mental homeostasis. No one should be in all time high or low anyway. More often than not, being flat is preferred since it gives us a clear mind to understand things around us. (Also, I feel like with philosophy, sticking to just one and living it is a bit–well, “religiousy”. I know the latter is not a word but that’s the only way I can put it. It’s like faith but not and this is what I understand from Albert Camus’ concept of philosophical suicide.)

I was just listening about the Dark Philosophy of Arthur Schopenhauer by Eternalised on YouTube before writing this and even this depressing Philosopher knew that most of our sufferings come from our beliefs and assumptions over situations. We are the ones who prolonged the agony when in reality, pain, either physical or mental, doesn’t really last a long time. It’s a momentary feeling that comes and goes. I wouldn’t want to go around my day thinking about all the insults and heartbreaks I’ve experienced when I don’t even know if I will wake up tomorrow. So why do we do this to ourselves?

As for sincerity, I am often confused as to why people go around living without practicing this. If you like to watch American sitcoms and films, most of the problems that the characters encounter stem from the fact that they often lie, pretend and deceive people. I mean, sure, it is good TV, but c’mon now, both of us know that we also do this in real life in order to save face or our feelings. After reading today’s meditation, I also picked up my phone and tried to sort out plans and conversations with some people in my life. I’m not gonna go into details but sometimes, I also hold back when I feel jaded. 

So, I hope that today you’ll live life freer and fuller since tomorrow is not promised.

[Journal] Love and Philosophy

 I daresay that I am inconspicuous when it comes to my emotions: whether in real life or here online. I would also say that even to myself, I wouldn’t admit how it truly is.

But lately, I’ve been plagued by a specific thought and that is “love”. I am not running away from the idea of it per se. I’m just, well, not willing to deal with it at the moment (question mark?). Even while writing this, I am cringing to the bones for some reason. I seriously don’t intend to be in a relationship AGAIN just mere three months after and I am not saying that I have someone in mind but maybe I do have one in mind (question mark?).

I mostly blame Camus and Dostoevsky for this. I thought immersing myself on reading and listening to tons of philosophical works would deviate my thoughts to something subjectively worthwhile for myself. Even most of Nietzsche’s works are grounded on the concept of love. Surprisingly, Marcus Aurelius, whether you believe me or not, encourages this emotion. Bruh, I am of the opinion that most philosophies are of love and it will take me a long time to explain why.

And so, while simultaneously reading and listening to The Plague by Camus and The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky respectively, I found myself having multiple realizations about love as a concept. It’s kinda funny and annoying at the same time. I am actually preparing a separate post about this so I think I would discuss the “realizations” there instead since this is more like an “expression” thing for myself and not some thoughtful musing for me. (By the way, I would recommend the translation of Robin Buss for The Plague and that of Constance Garnett for The Brothers Karamazov. These are well-written through and through and I can’t help but to fall in love with the English versions).

Anyway, as I was saying, I am feeling some kind of love (or maybe tenderness but yeah. Let’s call it love since I am writing about it) and I am very confused by it. I don’t think I am “in love” because it is not that exciting? Haha. I don’t have the reckless and restless emotions associated with it. I mean, I do think about them but not in that way. Of course, there is attraction of some sort but it is so unlike what I’ve felt before. It’s just nice and comforting. I can’t even say that I want more time from them or talking with them because I am content with the current state of things and I do like being with my own person; chilling and thinking. I don’t know if it’s because of my age or how I see things now after reading and ruminating over philosophical works but yeah, it’s just different. I am trying to not overwhelm myself with how the current society defines love. I don’t want something spasmodic or instant, rather I want something that takes time to build. Truly, in everything, time is our dear friend.

If there is one thing that would never fade away in a relationship between two people, that would be their friendship. Attraction and the feeling of love fade because our appearances and emotions also fade through time (or in the case of emotions, it changes from time to time) but friendship? That only gets deeper and sweeter through time.

Stolen from Instagram @astrowonders

So, what am I trying to say then? I guess it’s just that right now, I feel like I want to take care of someone. Am I gonna do anything about it? Probably not at this moment. I believe that if it’s for me, it will never pass me anyway so I’m just gonna leave it as it is. Do I want it to be acknowledged by the person? Honestly, I don’t care about that. As per the words of Goethe (who by the way is so notorious when it comes to the emotion of “love”),  “If I love you, what business is it of yours?”

[Stoic Meditation] The Cards We Are Dealt With

 “Think of the life you have lived until now as over and, as a dead man, see what’s left as a bonus and live it according to Nature. Love the hand that fate deals you and play it as your own, for what could be more fitting?”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 7.56-57

I am of the opinion that if you’re reading this blog post, you are already familiar with the latin phrase, “Amor fati”. It can be translated as “love of fate” or “lover of one’s fate.” This is the practice of accepting everything that fate bestows us. No matter what it is, you bear it with joy and resolution. 

Unfortunately, this is a difficult thing to do. Who in their right mind would be joyful when one of their loved ones is taken from them all of a sudden? Who would say that it’s for the best when they lose their job in this economy? Who would just shrug after a difficult break up and then continue with their lives as if nothing happens? We, as emotional beings, tend to flail and struggle in the face of difficult circumstances. We try to make sense of things, grasp and hold on to whatever logical explanation that we can think of. Without this, we always imagine ourselves falling into the deep pits of despair. We look back and regret, imagining scenarios wherein we could have done better or wherein we could have tried harder. But the time for these things has already passed. You are instead wasting your precious “now”.

It has been quite freeing for me to think this way. It saves me from deep-seated grief and anger. I’ve realized long ago that there’s no point in looking back, feeling the pangs of regret and contemplating dismay. It is what it is and as the world moves on, you should as well. Things happen for the best, as it always has been since time immemorial. Everything settles, just like everything else in the universe. I know all of these sound cliché but it’s just the truth. Everything gets better and the only thing that you should handle is your cacophony of emotions. Management of expectations and point of view will come naturally afterwards.

We often think that surrendering to what life throws at us is weakness. We romanticize the act of struggling for things that we can’t change. But acceptance is probably one of the strongest manifestations of strength and if you add a smile to that and an honest, “What the heck, it is better this way,” then you’re already a champ in life. Of course, it takes practice to do this. Our hearts are easily led, that’s why we have to keep our heads strong. We need to affirm ourselves daily because otherwise, we are just gonna be like wayward children.

PS. Had difficulty writing this. Even walking for an hour around my neighborhood didn't help that much.