Life Update (Autumn 2023)

If only I can write without inspiration, blogging might have been a lucrative career for myself. But, as someone who’s a bit of a hedonist and an essentialist, I don’t do something if I only have half a heart for it. 

Anyway, it has been quite a while since I last updated here. I remembered promising multiple posts about my trips since I’ve done quite a few last Summer but a lot of personal things interfered with this “hobby” of mine. I also stopped writing insights about my Stoic Reflection of the Day. I mean, I am still doing it; I’m just not sharing it to the world.

UNESCO World Heritage Site, Bryggen, during Autumn

For starters, I’ve been quite sick for most of July and August. I’m talking about multiple trips to the hospital (and if we’re gonna add the dentist, that also took up so much of my time). My grandmother also died. I was also trying to enjoy my summer break and I helped out my then boyfriend for his move to my current city. Then, my boyfriend of three years and four months, decided that it was time for us to part ways. He has just been in Bergen for a good one month and one week.

I took my time to feel like myself again before writing this. I don’t want this to be a petty and ugly piece because the world already has so much of that. I want this to be something I can read back someday and be proud that I chose to be mature. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with showing and expressing emotions BUT it is our duty to command and control it. Conquering and accepting ourselves during difficult situations are signs of strength and resilience. And I want those things for myself. I want growth and maturity from these life experiences.

The death of my grandmother is something that I am still dealing with. People who know me might be surprised because I don’t talk about it at all, but it has been on my mind ever since it happened. It was my first loss. I’ve never experienced any death and being quite far from home, I had a hard time expressing my feelings and emotions about it. I mean, I KNOW that all of us are going to die someday but “knowing” and “understanding” are two different things. I am trying to deal with the fact that as we grow older, witnessing deaths and burying loved ones would be a common occurrence. That’s just how life is: we only have borrowed time with people so we have to make the most of it.

As for the multiple trips to the hospital, that was just me being a bit of a hypochondriac. I am quite a health freak so if I noticed that something is wrong with me, my mind would immediately jump into thinking that I have cancer. I am fairly healthy, I don’t overindulge when it comes to eating and I do tons of workouts and physical activities so anything that doesn’t go well with my beloved flesh and blood, I always think about the worst case scenario. So, I guess what I was trying to say is that I had a cancer-scare and saw multiple specialists just for me to be turned away and be told that everything was fine and I was just overthinking.

Where I usually run (or walk)

And finally, the break up that I had with my then boyfriend. I won’t delve into a lot of personal details but let’s just say that it didn’t work out, we were no longer compatible and there was just too much loss of trust. It was, of course, heartbreaking when it happened but when you look at it the way I see it now, he just wants to be happy. It was nothing personal; he didn’t do the things he did and he didn’t say the things he said just to hurt me. It was just the way it is. That was the only way for him to feel like himself again and to do all the things that he wanted. I am just not the person he wants to be with anymore and that’s okay. He deserves to be happy.

To think that everything happened during Autumn touched the inner poet in me. This season signifies “change” and/or “transition” usually associated with coziness, comfort and ease. It also symbolizes abundance (time for harvest), balance (day and night are the same lengths) and preservation (preparing for winter). This is indeed a chaotic but beautiful turning point of my life.

Of course, in the beginning, everything was a mess for me. I wasn’t able to deal with some situations and there were jarring truths that I had to face squarely. There were emotions that I didn’t recognize, haven’t encountered for quite some time and some that I didn’t want to feel. But, as time progresses and as my perspective changes, letting go of the things that I can’t control and accepting everything that has happened allowed me to move forward. As they say, we cannot truly appreciate the highs without the lows.

At the moment, I am trying to immerse myself in a lot of philosophies and experiences that I want without holding back. I have now the freedom to do so. Indeed, I am taking good care of my “theoretical garden”. The current landscaping is tailored for my preferences and desires, on my own terms and time period and not to the whims of another person. Growing things in this garden for myself and sharing the fruits of it to others without expecting anything in return is the goal. Its natural appeal is not meant to snare and trap people in so that they would stay in it with me forever. I welcome people who come along to appreciate it and bid gracious farewell to those who left. In it, there is no attachment required, only appreciation, respect and love.