An Ode to my Past Self

It is quite insensitive but I never felt that it was a great loss. I was quite happy that some parts of you faded. It was like staring at a sandcastle, ebbing away as the tide took its portion.

Me displaying my muscly legs and bluberries

You were so obsessed with the promises of the future and quite entangled with the past. You spent your present daydreaming about ‘what you could have done’ and ‘what you would be doing’ instead of living in the moment. Decay was slowly creeping in but you didn’t take much notice. You thought that through time, everything will get better; that you can just shed off this imperfection like dregs that you can easily throw away. Unfortunately, what you had was more rust-like. It ate on you and you slowly languished. You thought it was a ‘season’, a ‘phase’, that will pass by.

You pretended that everything was alright when clearly it wasn’t. You were always troubled by the fact that one needs to be vulnerable from time to time. To you, asking for help equates to weakness. But you needed help, heaps of it. You needed counsel but you were too heady and lofty to admit it.

Often, you have catered to the whims of others at the expense of yourself. You claimed that it was also something that you wanted. There was this internal struggle to be you but there were people that you were trying so hard to keep in your life. You resented them but you ended up sucking it because confrontation is not one of your best suits (surprisingly!).

But then again, how can you even stand up for what you’ve wanted when you don’t even know clearly what it was or what they were? It bothers me greatly that you don’t have any strong roots that kept you grounded on certain stances in life. You were just riding and dying with the people around you, always believing that although things change, some would remain constant. But unfortunately for you and to all the other people in this world, that is not the case. Everything changes.

Another thing that bothered me since knowing the depths of you is that you don’t have any ambitions. You absolutely have dreams and desires but those things border on ridiculous. It was like you, but in several parallel universes because the realities you ruminate about resembled nothing like you. It was something that kept me up late at night. I’ve always wondered how you’ve come so far without any tangible goals. I feel like you try to fit like a well-tailored suit to whoever you are with. That in itself is scary.

I’m still wondering a lot about you and whether I should keep some of the things as it is on this shell that you’ve left behind. Cheesy as it sounds, I’ve come to love you while reflecting. You have qualities that might be handy still in the long run. I love that, although it was clearly not for everyone, you have this gentleness and tolerance that transcend beyond reason. You have always given people the benefit of the doubt and although this has caused you grief time and time again, I find it comforting that you were not hardened by this. You became impatient from it but that is something I can work with.

There are still more to figure out as the tides return the bits and pieces that it has taken away. I think I would keep only half of your trusting nature once it is returned. You were so reckless with that. I’ll make a better sand castle for you, for us. Maybe I’ll build better foundations too. Better and deeper, as I aspire. Hopefully, this one is going to last until the final wave takes it away. 

PS. I know, I know. Not really a typical ode but I am in no mood to write a poem, lol.