I apparently couldn’t write. Or at least I think so. My mind is someplace else. I am neither happy nor sad, just in a relative state of uneasiness and turmoil. At least, that's what I feel at the moment but then again, emotions are fleeting. I am not well physically even though my body craves movement. I want to run and lift, do my basic core workout but my body is weak. Lately, I just run. I run until it hurts. I run until everything is warm enough for my soul.
I borrow books that I don’t even finish. I sometimes never open them. I buy books that I know I won’t even access at the moment (it’s for my Tolino). It’s not like I am not interested in them or anything. I just don’t have the willpower to do things at the moment. I tried audiobooks for the first time and I was touched by it. I have mixed feelings about it though because I felt like I am cheating on something physical that I can touch and focus on.
I feel like January is moving so fast. I planned to do things but my mind and body refused to do these activities. I am eternally moving but I feel like there is no direction. I continue to read and listen to philosophies and although my mind embraces all these thoughts, my hands refuse to write about them. I just think about them, draw my conclusion within me and just store it in my mind. I guess sometimes it’s okay to do it like that. I don’t have to share everything with the world, especially if I couldn’t even put it into writing. What is the point if it should remain intangible anyways?
These days, I just try to keep my space clean and decluttered. I put away stuff that bothers me. I don’t want to see disorder in my space. I throw out clothes, makeup and whatever items I think no longer serve me. I emptied one drawer though where I allowed myself to be unruly and disorganized. I just throw stuff in there, not minding how disheveled that space looks and go on with my day not obsessively thinking about it. The rest of my cupboards, shelves and drawers look pristine and organized. I know, despite my eyes being close, what is in there in order. But I think, so far, my favorite surface is my cluttered drawer. The entropy is absurd but it feels like a friend.
I took out the books that I wanted to read and put them right in front of me. I took out all my idea notebooks that I have for the specific purpose of just writing. And I write on them. This is their purpose so I ought to use it. What is the point of having them when I don’t even use them? Why save them when I have to use them? I also took out my bookmarks that I’ve collected over the years here in Europe. Why have I hidden them? Was I that stupid? And, yes, my journal and planner are right before me. I should write on them too religiously. Year after year I get them but then just lazily use them. What am I doing?
My German books are right before me as well but I am not sure if I still want to pursue this bullcrap. Three years of struggling with this language, loving and hating it at the same time and I still feel like I am pretending to know it. I can read and understand it when I hear it but the struggle to express myself through writing and speaking frustrates the hell out of me. I will never be fluent in it if I don’t want to. And right now, I don’t want to. I feel like I don’t like studying German. It kinda reminds me of things in the past that I thought I already made peace with. I specifically hate it when I am reminded of certain “what ifs”. AND nope, I am never reminded of the person. It’s just the life that I could have. I always thought how weird it is that despite feeling sad about the life that I could have, I never really felt that bad about not being with the person anymore. Such is the power of our mind when we embrace acceptance and reality.
Oh, another thing about me these days… I want to sabotage my happiness and contentment. I don’t even want to acknowledge that I am happy. It’s as if in my head, it is programmed to be in eternal surviving mode. I am always looking for “but”, “it could be this and that,” and “nah, it’s not as easy as this and that.” I put myself into panic mode when things are going well. I am more chill than usual though, that’s a fact, but old habits resurface from time to time. I don’t want to push away the people in my life though because I think they’re great and worthwhile to be with. I need the proverbial “chill” and these people are distributing it to me. I need not fuck this up because I am so gonna regret it.
I still like paintings, being in my head and writing from time to time. I am just giving myself more time to address this inner turmoil within me. I think it is usually like this. Before reaching a great plateau, you have to climb and be high first. Quite like how those sacrificial children were taken up in the mountain, high and confused, before meeting their gods. Or if you’re familiar with Nietzsche’s work, I am now a lion facing the dragon. (Also, I am so proud that for quite some time now, this mustachioed man’s surname is no longer a challenge for me. “Mustachioed” though? I still needed help to spell from time to time).
So what’s the point of this rambling? In my writing, I obsess about “tying everything together in a nice little bow.” I love me a good “conclusion” paragraph to make sense of the piece overall. They kinda hammer that into you if you have been a part of a writing club or student-body-paper back home. Today though, I don’t feel like doing that but I can’t resist at least writing something haha. So yeah, (1) be patient and compassionate to yourself. It’s okay to feel lost, tired, confused and puzzled from time to time. You don’t have to figure things out immediately. It’s a process. (2) It’s okay to be happy. It’s not some disease that you should be wary of. If you have it, enjoy it. This feeling comes and goes so better revel in it when it is present. (3) Being catatonic usually means that you need rest. It’s not a serious condition for you to worry about. You need a time off and that’s okay. (4) Use things and not people. Throw things but never people. (5) And lastly, USE YOUR BEST SAVED STUFF. Honestly, use your expensive bullshit right now because why not? You didn’t buy that just to display it, right? You wanted to use that for special occasions but isn’t NOW, our NOW, a special occasion? You are alive and well. You can appreciate beauty and see things clearly. You are here. It is special. Never wait for tomorrow that is not promised to you anyway.
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