[Ramblings] An Attempt on Emotional Writing

You are like a sunny day during winter.

I welcome your presence because it's quite pleasant but you also melt the snow and ice around me.

And I think I am really scared.

I’ve never expected this especially now that I’ve grown confident in my isolation and freedom.

I don’t think I need someone to share my joy and pain with. I know I can manage.

I love my company and I enjoy things at my own pace.

But the thing is, I think I kinda want you in my life lately.

I don’t think you’re the perfect addition to my routines but I want you there just the same.

I am getting comfortable with your smile and presence.

I find myself daydreaming more and more about a life with you.

I dare not indulge myself that long though,

but I do give in from time to time.

I always say that I’ve grown passive with this emotion.

I mean, it’s kinda true still, I guess.

I have no desire to take actions or whatsoever,

but it’s there. I like the joy that this emotion gives me.

It feels like a betrayal to myself sometimes, but a happy one at that.

If only this is torrential, I can logically dismiss it.

But it’s not. I hate how this is quite still.

It’s growing on its own, following the season of my life.

How I hate that I am both excited and terrified!

To see how the bloom would look like for us comes Spring.

I can feel like I want to run away from all of this.

Would it be such a shameful and cowardly thing to do?

I still feel like I have no business feeling this.

I was just navigating my life but there you were.

I am so annoyed with you as a great outlier.

PS. This is me after reading poems for two days. Lol.

I am so lame.

[Stoic Meditation] Reboot the Real Work

“I am your teacher and you are learning in my school. My aim is to bring you to completion, unhindered, free from compulsive behavior, unrestrained, without shame, free, flourishing, and happy, looking to God in things great and small–your aim is to learn and diligently practice all these things. Why then don’t you complete the work, if you have the right aim and I have both the right aim and right preparation? What is missing? The work is quite feasible, and is the only thing in our power. Let go of the past. We must only begin. Believe me and you will see.”

Epictetus, Discourses, 2.19.29-34

STORY TIME

I had one professor in uni before that I just felt so bad about. He was the least inspiring of all the people who graced my academic years since his method of teaching wasn’t the greatest. I used to think that he was just there to terrorize students and not really teach and impart knowledge he has as a practicing professional. He didn’t need the money as it was nothing for him in my opinion (he has a full time job as a geologist and probs tons of side hustles so yeah).

He was so uninspiring and I only came to class because I have to take an exam or quiz. I didn’t even believe that I needed to attend his lectures since it was useless to me and I felt studying on my own would do more good for me than being in his classroom and listening to memorized and practiced crap that he has. Halfway through the semester, I just gave up. It was utterly annoying and there was no way I would pass that class. I believed, and I still do so to this day, that studying for an exam should not consist of memorization and repeating dictated bullshit. Exams should check how much you understood on one course subject and not how many words you can memorize so you could fill in the blanks. It doesn’t make any sense to me. That’s not how you learn. Anyway, he always boasted how he only passed 30% (this is the number that I remember but I could be wrong. It could be lower, not higher though) of the students and the rest would fail in all of his classes. Why would I waste my time on something that was set up for me to fail? (And that is the story of my first ever failing mark since the history of my education at Adamson. He failed me one more time and that is another bullshit for a different post haha.)

That’s why it is quite important to have educators that ACTUALLY cares about imparting knowledge. People who inspire others to be the best that they can and who aim to see their students flourish should be getting teaching jobs. For some reason, back home, it’s always people who have the desire to just carry on the tradition of torment and torture to others get the job. And so the cycle continues. Thank God that’s not how it is in real life. You can actually choose what kind of teachings and values you want to follow and set your life in the direction you see fit for you and your purpose.

And in finding ones self, life will have the much needed direction we crave for

Real life requires hard work and dedication for it to work out for us. You need solid guidance and clarity to make life enjoyable and worthwhile. This is where philosophy enters. Whatever you subscribe into, it will determine how your life would work out. It’s no longer good grades we are getting, rather the quality of life that resulted from our choices and decisions. Thank God that the term “failure” in life is subjective and no longer objective as it was in school. You yourself determine whether you are successful and not other people and their meaning of “success”. 

For myself at least, success does not equate to the amount of money I have and my lot in society. It’s nice to be comfortable and acknowledged, for sure, but I don’t think I would be happy with just that. I am chasing after nourishing experiences and relationships. I follow things that can make my existence bearable. Anything that can bring me joy is worth exploring no matter how difficult it seems. I chase after knowledge and wisdom. I want to exhaust all the skills that I can and could learn. I want to go where my feet would lead me. I barely care about things that I feel like I wouldn’t even bother to think about on my deathbed. To me, success is making this life enjoyable, joyful and exciting. When it comes to what society feels I should be doing with my life, those are just mere side quests. Just trifling things I have to deal with from time to time.

Of course, I could be speaking in a privileged position. I am currently living in a country and in a certain way where I don’t really worry about the two lowest steps of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and not everyone is in that position. I am at that point where I am working on my self-actualization so yeah. BUT, just like most things in life, there’s no other way but up. You just have to do the work, and give your best at that, no matter what kind of circumstances you’re in. Begin and the rest will follow. 

[Philosophical Ramblings] Today –

I apparently couldn’t write. Or at least I think so. My mind is someplace else. I am neither happy nor sad, just in a relative state of uneasiness and turmoil. At least, that's what I feel at the moment but then again, emotions are fleeting. I am not well physically even though my body craves movement. I want to run and lift, do my basic core workout but my body is weak. Lately, I just run. I run until it hurts. I run until everything is warm enough for my soul.

Credits to the owner which I forgot who

I borrow books that I don’t even finish. I sometimes never open them. I buy books that I know I won’t even access at the moment (it’s for my Tolino). It’s not like I am not interested in them or anything. I just don’t have the willpower to do things at the moment. I tried audiobooks for the first time and I was touched by it. I have mixed feelings about it though because I felt like I am cheating on something physical that I can touch and focus on.

I feel like January is moving so fast. I planned to do things but my mind and body refused to do these activities. I am eternally moving but I feel like there is no direction. I continue to read and listen to philosophies and although my mind embraces all these thoughts, my hands refuse to write about them. I just think about them, draw my conclusion within me and just store it in my mind. I guess sometimes it’s okay to do it like that. I don’t have to share everything with the world, especially if I couldn’t even put it into writing. What is the point if it should remain intangible anyways?

These days, I just try to keep my space clean and decluttered. I put away stuff that bothers me. I don’t want to see disorder in my space. I throw out clothes, makeup and whatever items I think no longer serve me. I emptied one drawer though where I allowed myself to be unruly and disorganized. I just throw stuff in there, not minding how disheveled that space looks and go on with my day not obsessively thinking about it. The rest of my cupboards, shelves and drawers look pristine and organized. I know, despite my eyes being close, what is in there in order. But I think, so far, my favorite surface is my cluttered drawer. The entropy is absurd but it feels like a friend.

I took out the books that I wanted to read and put them right in front of me. I took out all my idea notebooks that I have for the specific purpose of just writing. And I write on them. This is their purpose so I ought to use it. What is the point of having them when I don’t even use them? Why save them when I have to use them? I also took out my bookmarks that I’ve collected over the years here in Europe. Why have I hidden them? Was I that stupid? And, yes, my journal and planner are right before me. I should write on them too religiously. Year after year I get them but then just lazily use them. What am I doing? 

My German books are right before me as well but I am not sure if I still want to pursue this bullcrap. Three years of struggling with this language, loving and hating it at the same time and I still feel like I am pretending to know it. I can read and understand it when I hear it but the struggle to express myself through writing and speaking frustrates the hell out of me. I will never be fluent in it if I don’t want to. And right now, I don’t want to. I feel like I don’t like studying German. It kinda reminds me of things in the past that I thought I already made peace with. I specifically hate it when I am reminded of certain “what ifs”. AND nope, I am never reminded of the person. It’s just the life that I could have. I always thought how weird it is that despite feeling sad about the life that I could have, I never really felt that bad about not being with the person anymore. Such is the power of our mind when we embrace acceptance and reality.

Oh, another thing about me these days… I want to sabotage my happiness and contentment. I don’t even want to acknowledge that I am happy. It’s as if in my head, it is programmed to be in eternal surviving mode. I am always looking for “but”, “it could be this and that,” and “nah, it’s not as easy as this and that.” I put myself into panic mode when things are going well. I am more chill than usual though, that’s a fact, but old habits resurface from time to time. I don’t want to push away the people in my life though because I think they’re great and worthwhile to be with. I need the proverbial “chill” and these people are distributing it to me. I need not fuck this up because I am so gonna regret it.

I still like paintings, being in my head and writing from time to time. I am just giving myself more time to address this inner turmoil within me. I think it is usually like this. Before reaching a great plateau, you have to climb and be high first. Quite like how those sacrificial children were taken up in the mountain, high and confused, before meeting their gods. Or if you’re familiar with Nietzsche’s work, I am now a lion facing the dragon. (Also, I am so proud that for quite some time now, this mustachioed man’s surname is no longer a challenge for me. “Mustachioed” though? I still needed help to spell from time to time).

So what’s the point of this rambling? In my writing, I obsess about “tying everything together in a nice little bow.” I love me a good “conclusion” paragraph to make sense of the piece overall. They kinda hammer that into you if you have been a part of a writing club or student-body-paper back home. Today though, I don’t feel like doing that but I can’t resist at least writing something haha. So yeah, (1) be patient and compassionate to yourself. It’s okay to feel lost, tired, confused and puzzled from time to time. You don’t have to figure things out immediately. It’s a process. (2) It’s okay to be happy. It’s not some disease that you should be wary of. If you have it, enjoy it. This feeling comes and goes so better revel in it when it is present. (3) Being catatonic usually means that you need rest. It’s not a serious condition for you to worry about. You need a time off and that’s okay. (4) Use things and not people. Throw things but never people. (5) And lastly, USE YOUR BEST SAVED STUFF. Honestly, use your expensive bullshit right now because why not? You didn’t buy that just to display it, right? You wanted to use that for special occasions but isn’t NOW, our NOW, a special occasion? You are alive and well. You can appreciate beauty and see things clearly. You are here. It is special. Never wait for tomorrow that is not promised to you anyway.

[Philosophical Ramblings] When Life is Good

I daresay that mankind in general tends to worry more when life is good and everything seems to be dandy. Most of us thrive in chaos, hardships and sorrows that the moment we have something good going on, our first response is to look for something to worry about. We are more often bothered by peace and prosperity than by bad news and disappointments. We seem to breathe more easily when the worst of the worst comes to pass. But joy–heaven forbid love and acceptance? That seems to be so out of place in the universe we’re living in.

And this is where I find myself at the moment. There are a lot of things in my life right now that make me happy and content. I am doing so much better, flourishing both in mind and body. I am enjoying the present and loving every bits of it as if it's my last. I have thriving friendships, passions and hobbies that fill my days but somehow, there is this weird anxiety that usually turns into sadness. Unsettling thoughts come and they leave me feeling dreadful and questioning my peace and sometimes my life in general. 

Why is this the case? Why can’t we seem to JUST enjoy the good things and not question it? An interesting article published by The School of Life discussed that this quite familiar phenomenon is usually caused by our past traumas that we haven’t fully unpacked and understood. It seems as though our brains saw some kind of patterns before a fucked up (which may be caused by us directly or indirectly) and immediately jumped into negative conclusions. We seemed to be programmed this way and it’s hurting us more than resiliently preparing us for what’s to come. 

So what should we do when we experience this? How can we just be happy without looking for things that can go wrong? Short answer would be therapy. Honestly, mates, I think all of us need this. I do believe in the power of talking out your feelings and emotions with professionals in order for you to deal with it properly. Alongside this, it is also quite important that you immerse yourself in helpful philosophies that strengthen your emotional resilience and widen your understanding.

I know not everyone can go to therapy due to personal reasons and/or life circumstances so I also have a long answer that is rather personal. I don’t promise that it can help you but I’m still gonna write about it. Whenever I feel like life is going well and panic creeps in, I try to question why this is the case. Certain prompts such as, (1) Is there any logical reason to feel this way, or (2) Am I just sabotaging this because I can’t have something good?, are usually helpful because they bring me back to reality. I make a mental list and if the answers sound so absurd, like if it’s something that can make me laugh, I know it’s just my brain being stupid. It’s time to drop these thoughts. If for some reason I am able to give answers that sound plausible but a little bit far fetched, I try to remind myself of this quote from the psychoanalyst, Donald Winnicott:

“The catastrophe we think will happen has in fact already happened.”

Because I might just be experiencing some kind of a ‘déjà vu’. Something familiar but not quite. I try to remind myself that no two events or people can hurt you the same way. Of course, this takes time and practice. It also takes a lot of understanding and compassion to yourself. You’re only human, okay? It’s okay to feel this way. There’s nothing wrong with you but we have to move forward in order for us to enjoy life and be truly joyful. You’re gonna be alright and sometimes, even if it’s quite daunting and you’re filled with anxiety and fear, you just gotta have to do it. What if it works out?