[Stoic Meditation] What's Better Left Unsaid

There are a lot of times that I beat myself up because of what I have said. Countless of sleepless nights where I imagine a different flow of conversation where I was wiser. Even when I take a shower, I spent half of it running an alternate dialog altogether of past events.

Once, Cato the Younger said:

Better they not blame my life. I begin to speak only when I'm certain what I'll say isn't better left unsaid.

A funny thing about human beings: we are born competitive. I think this is somehow a problem when it comes to our self-control because more often than not, we want to have the last laugh (or in this regard, the last words). Individually, we prefer to cut than to be cut. Either with a weapon or with our words. Sometimes even both.

Just recently, an aunt of mine died. It was so sudden, no one even expected it to happen so soon. She's still young and thriving and there seemed to be so much life ahead of hers. But there isn't and to us who are left behind, there are a lot of regrets. Personally, I have a lot of grief towards her. She was my dentist and to put it out there, even if it's rather krass, her work fuck my teeth up and my wallet here abroad. She put installed braces without conducting an x-ray first, there was a tooth, IN FRONT, that she insisted to be in a particular position even though it wasn't straight, she left gaps on my upper jaw (which is partly my fault because I have to go abroad), she removed a lot of my old fillings that are great af and now they are falling apart one by one and, the most heartbreaking of all, she increased my bill and added additional costs once she found out I am going to Europe. As if all of a sudden I became rich and able to pay Php 15k more. 

I've been complaining to my mother and to my other aunt every single time that something happen to my teeth and I know that she found out about it. I was not happy, I was upset. I used words that are harsh and impolite. I wish that I could have a more unemotional response to it. I greatly failed on that. I wish I just kept it to myself and let it go. 

If there is one thing I have been proud of though when it comes to my self-control, I'll say that it would be times when I divulge information online. I am heavily political and I see it as a responsibility of every individual who actually cares about their motherland. Unlike most people who believe everything they see online, I thoroughly research my shit before I post it online. More often than not, when I see ridiculous posts from people close to me and I dare to respond, I type it out and look if it's appropriate and not hurtful (or at least not directly insulting--I can't really gauge their reaction or perception of it). If it's not, I rephrase it to a more palatable content. It's better to attract flies with honey than vinegar anyways. I want to be heard so I would rather not spew venom.

It takes a lot of energy to repress heavy emotions when communicating. There are times that it's beneficial but I think, it's more hurtful than helpful. When we are clouded with emotions, we are not able to process things logically. We don't know what's proper and appropriate. We don't know what's hurtful or not; both to others and to ourselves. This requires awareness and being in touch with the obvious.