[Stoic Meditation] What's Better Left Unsaid

There are a lot of times that I beat myself up because of what I have said. Countless of sleepless nights where I imagine a different flow of conversation where I was wiser. Even when I take a shower, I spent half of it running an alternate dialog altogether of past events.

Once, Cato the Younger said:

Better they not blame my life. I begin to speak only when I'm certain what I'll say isn't better left unsaid.

A funny thing about human beings: we are born competitive. I think this is somehow a problem when it comes to our self-control because more often than not, we want to have the last laugh (or in this regard, the last words). Individually, we prefer to cut than to be cut. Either with a weapon or with our words. Sometimes even both.

Just recently, an aunt of mine died. It was so sudden, no one even expected it to happen so soon. She's still young and thriving and there seemed to be so much life ahead of hers. But there isn't and to us who are left behind, there are a lot of regrets. Personally, I have a lot of grief towards her. She was my dentist and to put it out there, even if it's rather krass, her work fuck my teeth up and my wallet here abroad. She put installed braces without conducting an x-ray first, there was a tooth, IN FRONT, that she insisted to be in a particular position even though it wasn't straight, she left gaps on my upper jaw (which is partly my fault because I have to go abroad), she removed a lot of my old fillings that are great af and now they are falling apart one by one and, the most heartbreaking of all, she increased my bill and added additional costs once she found out I am going to Europe. As if all of a sudden I became rich and able to pay Php 15k more. 

I've been complaining to my mother and to my other aunt every single time that something happen to my teeth and I know that she found out about it. I was not happy, I was upset. I used words that are harsh and impolite. I wish that I could have a more unemotional response to it. I greatly failed on that. I wish I just kept it to myself and let it go. 

If there is one thing I have been proud of though when it comes to my self-control, I'll say that it would be times when I divulge information online. I am heavily political and I see it as a responsibility of every individual who actually cares about their motherland. Unlike most people who believe everything they see online, I thoroughly research my shit before I post it online. More often than not, when I see ridiculous posts from people close to me and I dare to respond, I type it out and look if it's appropriate and not hurtful (or at least not directly insulting--I can't really gauge their reaction or perception of it). If it's not, I rephrase it to a more palatable content. It's better to attract flies with honey than vinegar anyways. I want to be heard so I would rather not spew venom.

It takes a lot of energy to repress heavy emotions when communicating. There are times that it's beneficial but I think, it's more hurtful than helpful. When we are clouded with emotions, we are not able to process things logically. We don't know what's proper and appropriate. We don't know what's hurtful or not; both to others and to ourselves. This requires awareness and being in touch with the obvious.

[Stoic Meditation] Only Bad Dreams

For today's meditation, the Stoics remind us that most of our worries aren't even real. More often than not, we "imagine" them. We "create" scenarios based on our fears and anxieties. We dread the worst and therefore, we live through a nightmare that we created ourselves.

As humans, we are generally ambitious and there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone wants a nice life (but of course, the definition of this is subjective) and it's frustrating if we are unable to attain it. With this in mind, we try to chase a lot of things associated with our interpretation of a "nice life" and it's not easy. More often than not, these things--a high paying job, an expensive house, an eco-friendly car, an outstanding education, a happy and lasting relationship, etc.-- are difficult to get. Aside from the actual physical hard work that we put on our dreams, there is another aspect that plays behind the scene. The strength and durability of our mentality is being tested. Actually, even before doing the physical work, we first and foremost put ourselves under a lot of stress and rigorous self-depracation. We call ourselves out, we tell ourselves that it's impossible because we are not good enough, we imagine all possible negative scenarios that we can think of. With fear and nervousness around the corner, we are helpless.

But then again, what if it works out? What if that very thing that you truly wanted is just at the grasp of your hand and you just have to go with it? What if the things that can go wrong in your mind is just gonna stay, well, in your mind? Just mere fabrications of our presumptuos self.

I often find myself in this situation: I love to scare myself with my imaginations. I find myself provoked by my thoughts and I beat myself up for it, sometimes other people around me too (eg. my lovely boyfriend who gets the short end of the stick when I watch cheating soaps online) which is not a good thing. I play scenarios in my head, always getting ahead of myself, without even thinking if it makes sense. Just like what the meditation pointed out, when we have a dream, whether it's good or bad, do we question if it makes sense? Of course not! We just wake up, think about how weird it is, and just go with our day. 

I know that situations in our life are not comparable to dreams but is there something that we can do with things that we can't even control the outcome of? The answer is of course none. BUT, there's one thing that we can control: our reactions. We should carry emotions with dignity and strength. Let nothing shakes you even if life is scary.

I'm going to close this post with words from Seneca, "There is nothing so certain in our fears that's not yet more certain in the fact that most of what we dread comes to nothing." Just keep on going and don't let things that has never happened affects you. 

[Stoic Meditation] Protect Your Peace of Mind

This is the fourth day of me trying to practice Stoicism.

I've been writing my insights every single day since I've started but I think this is going to be the first one to be published. I don't know. Maybe it's because it's a Sunday and I have more time in my hands right now and I just want to be able to update my blog. I've been trying to collate infos and write articles that I should published every other day but it's difficult with my schedule. 

I mean, it's doable, I suppose, but I don't want to be burned out to JUST publish. I want to enjoy life, make it meaningful and make the most out of it. I still want to have the time to listen to music, watch horrible videos online, listen to gossips and contemplate about life. I am truly living in the moment, lol. 

Now, for today's meditation, the book has quoted Epictetus from his work, 'Discourses'.

"Keep constant guard over your perceptions, for it is no small thing you are protecting, but your respect, trustworthiness and steadiness, peace of mind, freedom from pain and fear, in a word, your freedom. For what would you sell these things?"

So far, what I got from being Stoic is to be able to remove yourself from negative perceptions. Taking away the power of things or situations to upset you and "make trouble" within you. I find it fascinating that I've been practicing this without even knowing that this is Stoicism. 

I admit, I've made a lot of changes in my life due to my anxieties and stresses and just generally for having peace of mind. During university, I've removed myself from big groups in order to be able to focus more on my study without being confused from my classmates "lectures". I have also moved away from home when the living situation there won't work out anymore. For four years before moving abroad, I've only visited home when there are special occasions and even stay on the day of Christmas itself and go home before the nightfalls. I've stopped the restless pursuit of validation from my parents, relatives and everyone that knows me. It gives me constant worries and doubts and honestly, it's just not worth it. At work, I've stopped giving outputs that are not even on my job description. I was not born a slave and I won't start now.

It is not because I don't give a damn about these at all. I do, A LOT, and that's why anxiety and stress are always up there when thinking about these things. I guess, at some point, I realize that I should care about myself more and try to make myself happy. That going on with my life with all of these fears and pains and "boxes" just strangles the life out of me. As per this book, "Every time you get upset, a little bit of life leaves the body." I can only have enough life in my time of living and I don't want to spend that on being just mad, angry, fearful, upset, etc. I want to have a carefree life as much as possible.