Today, I am not feeling well. I don’t know if it’s the coffee that I keep on ingesting even though I somehow know that I have an intolerance for it. Maybe it’s psychological; which is my best bet if I am being honest. I have been feeling a mixture of anxiety, a great sense of longing and this seemingly bottomless pit of despair. And there are times like today when I couldn’t even advocate for myself and be my own cheerleader. Other people in my life usually try to lift me up but for some reason, it is to no avail. I am officially down in the dumps.
I have a very strong sense of adventure and a thirst for knowledge and life. Moving to a different country, multiple times if I may say so, only encourages these desires. Now that I am in another country almost similar to the Philippines, with a deep-seated problem of corruption and a hell of bureaucratic mess, I am feeling more and more suffocated and trapped. I miss the free-roaming perk of living in Schengen and how I only have to present my pink card and that was it. In here, I have to deal with the ridiculous and almost absurd problem with immigration and dealing with embassies. Government employees seem to not work as hard as the regular salarymen and I think that it somehow shows how bad the governance is. No real order, no real system. You just have to wait and pray that everything will turn out alright for your sake.
Moving away from politics, there is also this great sense of longing for a life I aspire to have. I feel handicapped; I feel like I am not enough. I couldn’t practice my degree here because of my incapability to further my studies back home. I wanted to have an MSc back then but how? I have to shell out hundreds of thousands Philippine Peso just to have one and I feel like I am not smart enough to get one through a scholarship. It’s not like I haven’t tried or anything. Regardless if your tuition fee is already paid, you have to worry about other bills and expenses while studying. So that means working on top of studying. That might not be a problem but both required my full time if I didn't really have much time to give back then. And I feel bad because it seems like I made a lot of excuses not to do so even though I’ve given and considered every aspect of my life. I didn’t jump because I know for a fact that I couldn’t really swim. Pushing myself will just lead to drowning. Sure, there are people that might have ‘helped’ me but it has been really difficult for me to rely on anyone. Based on experience, I could only depend on one person alone who will never fail me and that is myself.
So now, I am back to square one. Building up funds to get a Master’s here while I hone skills that I can harness for money-making. Some people tried to tell me that I should have not travelled and instead saved up. If I had done so, I would only save up a sixth of the money that I need (since we only got an allowance back then) and I would terribly miss out on a lot of stuff I could do while I have the capacity to travel within Schengen. I would still be miserable AND not even enriched culturally. I’ll just be doubly dissatisfied with my life.
As for despair, it has been a lifelong companion as far as I can remember. It comes and goes but it is a constant in my life. I believe that I am a highly optimistic person but there are times wherein I just couldn’t help but to hug this emotion. For some reason, there is a great relief with wallowing in your emotions regardless if it’s positive or negative. I’ve met the version of myself that I admire through difficult times and although I don’t enjoy phases of deep sadness and misery, it comforts me to know that I am capable of being strong. At least I have that.
Today, I am not feeling well. I am hopeless and maybe at my wit’s end. But we try to move forward. We’ll try to get the day back. There is no other way but up and the first step is to pick myself up.