It feels like it has been ages since the last time that I’ve written anything. Too many thoughts already passed by and languished but from time to time, a couple vestiges remain. Whether they are bothersome truths, late night realizations or engaging fantasies, I’ve kept them all in for my entertainment (and possibly to yours).
I have someone who I consider to be a really good friend. The connection we have is rooted from a drastic case of trauma bonding. I feel like our journey towards self-realization is simultaneous but they are probably a bit ahead of me. Which is not a problem, by the way. It is actually an opportunity for me to gain more wisdom from their experience and thoughts and to reflect on my current situation and worldview. We were talking one night about love and relationships and how, albeit unfortunate, there is no such thing as ‘the right person’ for us. That, contrary to this popular opinion, there is only the right “US”.
That statement opened up a dialogue in my head. Countless hours of ruminations broken only by activities that I need to accomplish right away. Inwardly, I keep on asking myself if I am the right ‘me’ now but asking this question is rather counterproductive. I think if I keep on just asking myself if I am now ready, better, doing well or even just surviving, the answer would always be a resounding ‘maybe’. Feelings change, same as our thoughts and beliefs and in general, even our physical form. The only thing that will remain rather constant or solid is our personal and dire conviction.
And I have conviction. No matter how shaky or unstable it feels sometimes, I am upholding it. To me, entering a relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic, is a huge deal. Now that I know better, I almost never enter one with my eyes closed. Gone are days where I can just haphazardly say that I’ve just fallen and that’s it, I just have to deal with it. Now, even with an overwhelming sense of fear, I jump with utmost intention and consent. Regardless of the outcome, I am all in. Besides, I’ve learned early on that all human relationships end in pain. That is the ultimate consequence of being able to love.