I recently dreamed about you. It actually confused me because I haven’t thought about you since late 2023. In this dream, for some reason, I was trying to chase you. I don’t know what that means because in my waking life, that is something that I don’t want to do.
So there I was, running after you in a seemingly familiar staircase, you wearing that familiar long-sleeved polo (which I kinda chose with you), and your back towards me, I grabbed your arm. I don’t remember what my expression was but I know that I got upset about something caused by another person. You turned and I saw that familiar facial expression and then I woke up.
Obviously, the reason why I am writing about this is because it bothered me. I’m not one to believe in the occult so yeah, what the f was that? Or is this my subconscious yanking my chains? Eh, I really don’t know so I am taking myself to a journey of self-discovery through writing my thoughts, lol.
I’ve been thinking that this might be because of the seemingly serene period I had with you. (But we all know by now that that wasn’t the case. Verdant decay, as some would say.) For the longest time, I was allowed to have some kind of stability, felt a bit more confident about myself and something that I was building and just believed in something that I thought I had. The thing is, I learned a lot about myself in that period. There was just so much isolation and I found it comforting that I was able to control the social interaction that I was having with you. I could just shut down whenever I want and avoid you as much as I could when things get hard. I could focus on some other things and put all the emotional turmoil on the backburner and face it again once I had the energy for it. I learned to keep myself to myself and only share what I think was necessary. I was attached but alone.
Then there was the issue about trust. We’ve talked about this over and over again to the point of overkill. It exhausted you, I know, but I felt like I wasn’t heard each time we talked about it. I guess I was trying so hard to project towards you how you made me feel the first time that you hurt me with a lie. How it truly devastated me and made me hypervigilant. That after trusting you without any conditions, without even thinking about it for a second, I was left in disbelief that you were able to do that to me. Over and over again. And with each new lie, I felt like I was being driven to this state of perpetual skepticism. I learned that I have to keep on asking before getting from you the actual truth. Even with actual evidence and receipts as they would say, I felt like I had to hear it from you. But of course, you almost always disappointed me. You would deny things as long as you could until you see me emotionless and cold. Then that’s the point that you would cry and apologize, emotionally-beating yourself up, saying out loud how big of a fool you were for lying to me. And I would just sit there in front of the screen, numb but still trying to comfort you.
Another thing that I learned from you is how far I can stretch myself in order to tolerate things and/or situations. I always thought that it was a great characteristic. To be able to suffer through things with acceptance was a noble thing in my opinion. I thought that every good thing should be cherished no matter how many times it has broken you. I was under the impression that I always bounce back anyways and that I can’t let any temporary emotions get through me. I guess I was just innately positive and so optimistic that things will definitely turn out alright at the end of the day. I almost always believe that I’ll be okay.
Unfortunately, these things I learned from you are not helpful. Point blank period. Right now, I am struggling and in a constant state of anticipatory anxiety. I have to unlearn almost all of it because it’s hurting me and my perception of things. Philosophy can only do so much.
I am already a reserved person even before meeting you. I almost always prefer not to talk about my personal emotions as long as I can avoid it. I can talk for days about any topic under the sun but almost never when it comes to my hopes, dreams, aspirations and how I am truly feeling. For me, it's one thing to be physically naked in front of someone, maybe I don’t even care about it that much. Talking about my innermost thoughts though? I imagined it to be like being naked in front of a huge townsquare, pinioned, with all the people in that town just gawking at you. You are not able to cover any nakedness. You’re just there to look at them back hoping that no one judges you in your vulnerability. And this makes me quite heady. That is scary as fuck. BUT then again, in order to be seen and heard, you need to be vulnerable. You have to talk about important things no matter how much it exhausts you. You have to fight the urge of shutting down and just running away from something because it is rather uncomfortable. You have to be present for others in order for them to be there for you as well. You have to speak up in order to be heard. You have to show yourself in order to be seen.
Self-preservation is a primal instinct. It helps us to survive since time immemorial. Although this is the case for most things, I think it’s not the same when it comes to trusting. It is exhausting. The cogs in my head run wildly each time and it’s making me fidgety. Even myself gets quite annoyed with me when I am overthinking things just because I feel like someone is lying. I just want to be free and not feel like I am playing 3D-Chess to win. In the game of trust, there’s no such thing as “winning”. You just have to do it. Besides, not everyone out there is trying to get you. Not everyone you meet is going to hurt you. There are for sure telltale signs that one cannot be trusted but it should be from actual stuff that they do and attitude that they’ve shown you and not imaginary things that unearthed from your traumas.
Lastly, when it comes to tolerance, there is still an on-going deliberation in my head. I am trying to balance my beliefs on this. On one hand, I am quite firm that all the good things that come my way would be held dear. On the other hand, I should be aware that good things overflow so letting go should be a thing too. At the moment, I think this is something that I am learning. I am turning mid, in my opinion. I am happy with whatever comes my way and if they chose to leave at the end of the day, I would be fine with that. I no longer want to hold on to things and/or people that scramble to be free from me. I am still willing to suffer for something though IF they are willing to suffer with me as well. Life is not easy; I never expect it to be. It’s best to be with someone who’s willing to go through things with you even when the going gets rough. Choose someone who’s choosing you too.
Anyway, heavy morning. Have a good weekend.