I often find myself doing this: questioning all the things that has happened around me. There are times that I've grown bitter about situations because I just couldn't understand it at the time. I could give a lot of examples but there is probably nothing that can beat what happened to my professional life back home in the Philippines.
I thought I was an okay student of Geology. It is so funny because until now, from time to time, I often rerun the comments of my peers and professors in my head; deliciously savoring every word of it. I guess it is for my vanity as well, fine, but the real truth of the matter is that I am just trying to placate my low perception of myself. I am often scared that I am not good enough. I need reassurance that I will make it, that I will have a good paying job that will be able to send me to post grad studies. I wasn't even aiming for something grand. It was just the minimum per se.
But it came to naught. I got my first job before my board exam. It was from the company which gave me the scholarship to begin with so I was already expecting a lower salary. That's just how it is back home if you're hired by the sponsoring company for some reason. I got just above minimum wage around that time. I told myself that it's okay since I don't have my license to practice geology yet. It might change afterwards. And so I passed the board exam in just one take.
Nothing happened. My colleague, who was also a scholar but didn't passed the board exam, was still earning as much as I am. I am doing more technical work than him but the pay was just the same. It kinda got icky for me in the company. Aside from this "semi-resentment" (because c'mon, I think it wasn't full blown), he's also some kind of a yes-man and a person who you can just like tell things but nothing will happen. I find him pliable while I was too headstrong for the management. Anyway, I resigned only after a year of working in there because of countless reasons. There was the fact that they refused to regularized me (aside from the no increase in wage after getting my license) and that I was having problems with the consultancy company that they hire. My values also don't align with them. They call me ideal when I am just trying to be an actually "good and upright". This company has been in the industry for so long that their way, whether good, to be frowned at or just illegal in some ways, should be the only way.
I worked for the government afterwards. This experience put me under a lot of stress and anxiety due to the fact that there is no job security. I do earn a lot but I don't have any benefits. The Philippine Government is the number one rule-breaker of Labor Law, in my opinion. It took me two years to break away though because the pay was higher than the Geologist jobs being posted about. I remember Eagle Cement offered me a 6-day work week which only pays Php 17.000 in 2018. I was already a licensed Geologist back then WITH EXPERIENCE.
I was truly becoming disenchanted with my degree. I don't know a lot of people that can get me a job in my field. I have no relatives with high positions that can bump elbows with another higher up to secure for me even an interview. I don't have any padrino that can recommend me even to the most menial of jobs in my field that I can think of. So, I decided that if I can't be a fully-pledged mining geologist, I can just be an environmental geologist or something close to that. I care for the environment and I want to use what I learn to make a difference.
I got a job in the renewables. It was fun and promising at first and although the pay wasn't good (but there was a promise of raises and bonuses), the vision and mission of the company aligned with my principles. Until it wasn't. It was just a running political scam heavily veiled by environmental wokeness.
This was all happening during the pandemic. I was in a state of panic due to the job insecurity. I felt hopeless for the future and my dreams of getting a master's degree. I didn't even know how I was able to do all of the things I did then to get where I am today. The series of misfortunes I have experienced is truly just a prelude to a promising future. I am not completely there yet I am continually working on it. The pieces are falling slowly into place and although I don't know the "bigger plan" or the "universal reason" at the moment, I will just continue to work on myself now knowing that one day, it will all make sense.